I have no idea what love is to most people. I have no idea what love is supposed to be. I have no idea what a healthy relationship should look like. I have no idea what society considers “normal” in terms of falling in love, being in love, and acting on that. I have no fucking idea. And, you know, I guess I don’t really care anymore.
I am me.
More and more I’m coming to understand who that is. Through group therapy, one on one therapy, supportive friends, writing, living, reflection—I’ve begun to find out who I am underneath all the protective coverings and drawn curtains and stained, twisted sheets. I’ve started to see myself—my true self—hiding somewhere behind my lungs maybe—some unreachable center in me.
I have an intensity inside of me that can be destructive as hell, but can also cut me wide open so that I feel sadness and joy and freedom and empathy and love like fucking stars burning out and the sun captured inside every living thing.
That’s how it feels—in every artery pumping blood through my body.
But love, right? Love.
Maybe what I’m feeling isn’t love at all. Maybe it’s lust or infatuation or addiction or obsession. Maybe it’s all those things.
But, to me, it’s love. I experience it as love. I experience it like being lifted high up above the ever thinning atmosphere. I experience it like having my chest crushed in, my bones splintering, stomach acid eating through the lining.
Is that love?
Who’s to say? I mean, who can even define love anyway? It’s such a completely abstract concept—and so totally subjective.
So that is love for me.
Entangled with my lover, our legs entwined, skin against skin, gripping our hands together—lying like that, I couldn’t help but cry silently to myself. The tears came on me and I couldn’t stop them. I didn’t want to. The intensity of my emotions are apart of who I am.
I was crying out of sadness for everything that’s come before.
I was crying out of gratitude for surviving—for having my life today.
I was crying because I felt such overwhelming, penetrating love for her.
But go ahead and tell me it’s not love.
Tell me what love is.
Tell me what God is.
Tell me how the world formed and why.
Tell me how things should be.
Tell me how I should be.
Tell me how they should be.
One friend of mine needs to wear diapers while getting fucked in order to get off.
One friend of mine signed a contract with her husband that he completely owned her and could use her body any way he wanted. Mostly he’s into inflicting pain. Mostly she’s in to receiving it. She has a piercing between her legs with a lock that closes her shut. Her husband holds the only key.
One friend of mine can only cum if she’s touched or gone down on.
One friend of mine can only cum if you find a certain place inside.
One friend of mine only falls for older women.
One friend of mine only falls for younger boys.
Friends of mine are gay.
Friends of mine are straight.
Friends of mine are bi.
Friends of mine can never make commitments.
Friends of mine always fall in love.
So who’s right?
And who’s wrong?
Who’s sick?
And who’s well?
If nothing else, after everything I’ve been for, I can honestly say that I’ve learned to have compassion for every point of view, every kink, every attempt at finding happiness, or peace, or whatever.
I mean, who am I to judge?
Who are any of us to judge?
So long as no one is getting hurt or violated against their will, what the fuck do I care what love and satisfaction is for them?
All our stories, all our pasts, all or different genetic make-ups, all these things just add to the beautiful insanity that is our dysfunctional humanity. We all hold universes inside of us. We are all so intricate and complex. There are no concrete emotional truths. Feelings are entirely individual. That’s why they are so totally amazing.
Imagine a world where we could give up our judgments of other people—our strange desire to want everyone to be like ourselves. What’s true for you is not necessarily true for you. Your values are right for you, but they’re not necessarily right for me.
I was reading The Onion newspaper the other day. One of the headlines was something like, “Half of the population who you’d never even talk to is voting for someone else.” I mean, it’s kind of true. Our country is divided into two very distinct political ideologies. Nothing one side can say will ever change the other people’s minds. Each one thinks the other is totally fucking crazy.
Which one is right?
I think I know, but that’s just me.
And who am I to give anything but my opinion, while I respect the different opinions and decisions of the people around me.
Besides, our differences are just about the only thing that keeps this whole living thing interesting.
Maybe that’s why discovering who I am is so important—and why I need to come to accept and honor what makes me what I am—devastating faults, confusion and all.
My love is my love.
Your love is yours.
And I got no problem with that.
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
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194 comments:
Hey, uh, I've been touring and super sick at the same time.
Hopefully next week I'll be back posting regularly.
Driving to Phoenix today with mi padre.
It's been pretty great hanging out with him again.
Even if I am sick.
Okay.
Love.
Bye.
n
Well. I liked this a lot. Super intuitive, you are, and vastly empathetic, and also extremely self aware, which is both a blessing and a curse, but so is anything worth experiencing. (People avoid such self awareness out of fear anyway, you know.) Life isn't black and white; it's whirling gray. Enjoy the book tour. Your success. Peace. A
Wow!!! So much truth.
Acceptance isn't that what we all strive for and to what end?
Hope you feel better Nic, keep enjoying your Dad and be who you are....NO APOLOGIES!
preach on brotha ;)
peace&love
maria
Love it. Get well soon!
Nic;
You have come such a long way dude! Bravo! :) Not much else to say except "keep on being YOU"! Peace and love,
Amy
Wow. Nic. You are in a lot better of a place than a lot of other people in this world. Being able to accept the differences in people without judgment.. It's just...well....great.
Thanks for that.
Very powerful, very real, very true!!!
If we can't be who we are what's the point. Love hard, love deep, and love true! You go boy!
On a side note.... you seem to have a lot of loyal followers... Please don't ask them to come to the pavilion and drink the kool-aid!
Ya know, I have been married for almost 11 years and during that time I figured out what love is, it's not looking into each others eyes and going gaga, it's when you both stare out onto the horizon together, remember love is not perfect and may even change and transform. But that's what it is for me and my husband. Like you said other people are different. Sometimes it takes personal experiences to realize what love can be.
Dysfunctional humanity- is that a nice term for fucked up people? If humanity wasen't dysfunctional then life would be boring. I think that word should be put into a Social Psychology text book.
I saw the weather in Arizona, it's over 100 degrees- Fell better Nic.
Kitty
Great hearing from you Nic! Loved the post today, take care of yourself!
D
OMG! Sometimes I think you live in MY fucking head. Have a good time with your dad and the tour and feel better.
Great post, love it!
Also get well soon. Nice you have your dad around to ´mother´ you. Yes that sounds super weird but you get the drift I am sure haha
Every sick person deserves to be pampered.
Looking forward to hear more soon!
Also see people, THAT is the difference with the real Nic and the imposter in that other post, the real one is in BLUE. The other one, obviously, is not.
Dont buy into it.
eve thanks but i think we were all smart enough to realize that
nic, great post.
Well looking at some replies in the other post, it seemed some people actually bought it. Which is a shame.
thank fucking God.
you finally got the point of who gives a fuck what other people do. you are not and you alone. no matter what anyone says should control who you are, except yourself. sounds selfish maybe but your the one who has to wake up with yourself every fucking day. not them.
hope the tour goes well and your feeling better.
and again, the nothern midwest would really appreciate a visit.
you are you* not you are not
woops
EXACTLY! You got it, Nic. Just go with it. You really can't change the way you feel things, so just try to enjoy it....bask in it...smile at it. Maybe you can fret about it less....save your energy for the bad times when you really need it. Love (or whatever; doesn't matter what you call it) and being with other people are what make life interesting, and what will happen will happen. Just live it.
""Besides, our differences are just about the only thing that keeps this whole living thing interesting.""
I've been saying that for years!!!
The same is so boring (though comforting at times). Differences create variety- the spice of life.
Good to hear from you. Take care of yourself.
Katy
It is impossible to not judge people. Only by judging others can we begin to define ourselves. I think it's a matter of being able to judge and still feel confident with your own choices.
Fabulous post. Thanks
Nic,
I think you are finally beginning to find out who the real Nic is and are beginning to see what we all have seen for a very long time... you are a wonderful, loving, caring guy who accepts others for who they are and wants the same for himself.
Hope you feel better real soon.
Love ya,
Aleta
hey nic great post as usual. you say in your comment here that you are enjoying hanging with your dad again.
you seem close to him/your family, why not move back a little closer to them? then you could spend a lot more time with them, the people you love. maybe it could help you? I dont really understand why you live so far away from them. unless I got it all wrong but then feel free to enlighten me aha
La Bella Vita.
Life is about making mistakes and be curious. If we were perfect... life would be so boring.
I think at one point he said he has dinner with his mother once a week or so...so I assume he lives close to her.
San Fran, up by his father I would think would be a baadddddd place for him.
Good spell checking people today! :)
Yay!! You're back,now I can respone to you instead of doing the spanish project I am sitting here in the library for. Well, you know how everyone always thinks everyone else is so judgemental, while there standing there making judgement calls of their own,about how wierd people are? Yeah, I realized that sometime ago, after I had figured out what makes me so unwilling to share how I personally feel with others, because all they do is judge you, then you end up feeling totally worthless and shitty. The thing is evryone is different and while some might feel similiar about certain aspects of things, they end up acting apon them in a completely different fashion. "Love". Whatever that is right? I don't belive I am ready to have a fully formed idea about it, but I know I agree with my mom's concept of it, because it feels right. I want to share a little poem of hers she wrote about the subject, cause really it's right on:
It's better to have loved
Without thought of return,
then to never love at all,
nor experience & learn.....
Whatever you give to the universe
Will come back thousand fold
Make your gift Unconditional.
C.1991 Shoshanna Rene'
I hope you get better soon,Nic I hate being sick, especially when I still gotta do things. Have fun with your dad, be glad ya got one that was present enough to teach you to surf, and take you to concerts. I really wish I was as lucky.
Bye,Bye. Love, Sasha
In my humble opinion, love is when things take a turn for the worst and you can rely on your lover. And after you tell her or she tells you the bad news she will or you will say, "we'll get through this together" and you or she drop what you are doing and rush to your lovers side.That's where you will find true love, not in the bedroom.
Oh, by the way do you have the person, who gets off only wearing diapers, phone number? J/K
tim
Well said. This is exactly why I don't buy into organized religion. I dislike the idea of somebody telling me how to pray, where to pray and much I have to pay to pray! We are forever learning from the paths we choose. You speak your mind and I love it! I just have to say, what woman can deny that the way you describe making love is about to die for…it’s just the best!
(I know I’m going to get shit for that comment!) Have fun with your pops and feel better!
Intensity can show passion.
"The Greeks didn't write obituaries. They only asked one question after a man died: 'Did he have passion?'."
wow nic that was great! Feel better
enjoy the rest of your book tour with your Dad.
Hey Nic,
I'm new to recovery in LA and I was very curious to know if there are any meetings that you think are particularly great in the city... especially ones that have good speakers.
Also if anyone else reading this happens to be in the program in LA, please say what meetings you like—it would be really interesting to get some people's opinions and some ideas about good ones to check out.
Thanks so much!
So upon reflection...
You, of course, decide your own interpretation of love. I'm guessing it will change thru the years, as you do. It's all good.
The thing I found is...
mostly what you described was passion; which, to me, goes hand in hand with love but; is not the same.
What you need to orgasm is not the same as what you need for love.
Someone new gives you the 'want to dive in your body' feeling. And saying 'i love you' feels so good because it's basically saying 'i really really love the way you make me feel.'
Eventually, although still physically attracted to te person, the need for total submersion will wear off some.
If you stay, even though the strongest high is worn down, if you chose to work your lives together for awhile (when you can't even come with a diaper on!) than I think you reach something stronger.
To do that you have to do a lot of really difficult things. One of them is to usually have faith in the person you give your love too. Having faith, in anything, is hard.
I'm not judging your interpretation of love. At the same time, what I see at the bedside of a 87-year-old man who has just lost his wife of 40 years and knows his heart will no longer beat the same,
is so completely out of the ballpark different than what a young man who has spent every waking hour of the last two months thinking of making love to a beautiful woman.
New passion is completely different from love that has weathered many tests.
As it should be.
I would like to second what smoo said because it resonated and was thoughtful, and my responses generally come across as too "advicey."
"I was crying because I felt such overwhelming, penetrating love for her."
been there. felt like a big fucking wuss. but i've been there. i knew it was love:)
Wow, excellent insights and a well articulated blog!
Interestingly, I am taking a chemical dependency class for this certification I have to do. Anyway, it focuses specifically on how such problems stem from the broader family system....the subtleties of dynamics in family relationships (parent and child specifically).
Yesterday I had this moment of clarity when the prof started talking about how early childhood attachment (or lack thereof) plays the most significant impact on our emotional development in regard to intimate relationships (more than any other subsequent relationships in our lives). If a parental attachment doesn't feel safe and secure, one can become more susceptible to turning to substances as a secure attachment/'relationship.' One can have an increased sense of insecurity and inability to form intimate relationships, especially if a parent was an addict. It really made sense to me, anyway.
You are right though.....we are all on this dysfunctional planet together. Instead of judging, we need to demonstrate more compassion and just LISTEN with a hope for understanding. Maybe even grow in the process.
Thanks for sharing this. :)
smoo... I want to WORD your whole post. That's the way I see it too. But I think what Nic was saying is that he doesn't want to feel the need to justify the whos or the whys of it. And he really shouldn't have to. It's complicated sometimes... the people and things we're drawn to. I guess the best we can hope for is that the people and things we choose to put our trust into will eventually prove to be those protective of that trust. Whatever that comfort level of trust is. Anyway, I am certainly not the best one to comment on this subject. But still, I totally got your blog Nic.
Except that I really didn't get the diaper thing...I mean the actual logistics and mechanics of it and all. So I guess I'm confused. But then that's just me.
loveee it.
i think that was my favorite blog out of all of them so far.
I would love to see the gap closed. For some reason, people claim they love. People claim they respect other's opinions...but we hardly come together as people. It just seem's that people just talk words of "acceptance" but are not willing to walk through our inner forest. We see difference, we see individuality & uniqueness but it can stop there at times.
It stops at noticing. Why don't we meld? why do we continue to hang around or talk to people who are more like ourselves? Why do we stick to what is 'in common' with ourselves when it comes to people?
We notice all this difference, we accept, we respect...but do we really want it in our lives? Do we really invite it? Or do we just -notice-...take the positives and keep it in our memory bank where it can stay. Why don't we ever invite it back?
This is just what i notice in my country and the area i live in. It is an experience that i have in my life. I know not everywhere in the world is like this...but where i am from...this it what it's like.
I can't wait to see a time where the 'difference' the 'opinions' the 'uniqueness' the 'individuality' actually live & experience life together outside of what is common to us. Let's expand.
Nicky, I really liked this blog of yours! Let us have it! Sounds like you have been doing a lot of soul searching and thinking while on the road maybe?! I personally have no idea what the hell love is. I like to think that its when my soul and his soul will become intertwined into one. Hmm.. I hope I'm not dreaming and this can happen for me someday!! Enjoy this time with your father and hope you feel better with a quickness!
The country is politically divided right now, but haven't we always been? I think maybe its just more present and in our faces because of the obvious, ELECTION time. The one thing I myself have tried to do differently during this election is put myself in different shoes. I placed myself outside of my own life (hypothetically speaking) and then thought how would I feel towards my party of choice. I think during this time all one can really do is EDUCATE yourself, remember this is not about any ONE person and how things will change for them, rather the country as a WHOLE. Most importantly VOTE!
NIC-
FUCKing AWESOME post man. Oh my god. Quite inspiring. Hide behind your lung's... I like that. So Are you really at the point of not caring at all? I wish I could get there... I'd like tot hink that I am, but I think then I'd be a person with a little more confidence than I have. Are you really confident? I guess it does'nt really matter... maybe being content is just fine. :)
I love you man! You're the best. Thank's for writing the way that you do. Can't get enough of that shit. I think I speak for everyone.
Wow! Great post today...its nice to be open minded!! I totally can relate to emotions being so strong they just kinda take over...and to have that with love...well I think it would be pretty awesome!
"Besides, our differences are just about the only thing that keeps this whole living thing interesting." Well said my friend!!
Hope the rest of your tour goes well and I hope you feel better!!
Kristyn
Nic-
It is SO great to hear...you've come out on the other side of your addiction & are so smart....so so smart. I have never judged you; I have identified with every one of your blogs. As wierd/scary/ whatever as it sounds, you've really got it all together, more than most people ever will. I love it & I am so glad you've got this time with your dad. You guys deserve it. I know you're super busy, but can you please answer this? I want to come to your Oct 23rd book signing/tour thing, but it's really gonna be a stretch for my schedule & everything, so I was wondering if you will have anymore tours after this one & also how long the actual thing lasts that night. It says it starts at 7. I need to know b/c I hafta book my flight if I'm gonna come, so please let me know!!!! just reply to me on this comment page if you don't mind. Congratulations on all your accomplishments!!!
do you have the flu?
this might be a totally dumb question so forgive me if it is... when recovered addicts are sick, is it ok for them to take painkillers etc? Or would that be kind of dangerous with the risk of relapse?
either way I hope you get well soon; whatever it is.
I love reading your stories. And I would also love to hear some more about the book tour and what is happening there. Look forward to hear more from you Nic!
cool post yo. that piercing sounds, different? lol. THAT i would like to see. lol. definately unique:p
Maybe I'm alone in the opinion that this all sounds like justification for behavior that you have admitted is unhealthy Nic.
Much Love.....
Mp
hmmm. nic.
no judging here. never.
only my opinions and a little worldly insight.
you can weed out the crap that you think is crap and take in the comments that make sense (if any). doesn't cost a thing to listen (read) and it doesn't hurt at all (i promise).
it's good to cry. get it all out and stuff. that part is good.
it's good to feel things too.
but you're makin' your feelings of 'love' sound so.....painful.
Back in the day, i would fall in love with just about any guy who ignited that little spark in me. If i felt that zap AND he could string an intelligent sentence or two together then i was hooked. And i was VERY emotional and felt things VERY intensely. and i was UP for awhile... and then each time things didn't seem to work out for one reason or another....i was so very down.
and finally, i couldn't take that UP and DOWn emotional roller coaster anymore. and i changed.
and i grew up.
and i thank [[god]] that i did. and i thank [[god]] that it didn't work out with any of those guys that kept me on the roller coaster.
that's my story.
but i would've found reason not to listen back then.
Anyway, one thing i do notice about your piece today is that you start out talking about 'love' but then you give all these examples of sexual gratification. and how certain people achieve it.
i'm pretty sure that you know the difference between sexual fulfillment and love. Not that you or i really know what love is.
but i know what it ain't. and i know that if the main event is the sex, the stimulation, the orgasm....i KNOW there's a lot more to it than that. yes, i do KNOW that. for a fact. it ain't just the sex.
hope you are feeling better.
i'm sure your dad is takin' care of you. (cause he LOVES you)(and that is a whole different kind of love!)
peaceandunderstanding!
its people like you who make me never want to have children.
I totally agree with Seth up there. This post says that you are still lost and sick (and I don't mean with the flu) In your book you mentioned that at one of the rehab centers you were told you needed sex addiction classes or something. Maybe you should look back into that.
After I read this, it kinda reminded me of a song.
I'm not sure if you'll like it, but take a listen if you haven't heard it. Obviously it was the lyrics I related to the most with your entry.
"Moving Mountains" - Thrice
After reading the blog again and some of the comments, I had to reply again, and this is just my opinion. Yes, what Nic wrote about had to do with sex, but also about trust and acceptance, and love. I think (and other men out there, what's your opinion) that for a man to cry like that with a woman, it is letting down those walls and really trusting a woman, which for a lot of men is hard. Those of us that have read Nic's book know that most of his relationships were when he was using, so for him to trust and open up when not using is probably really hard, I don't know. That is what I got out of his blog.
As for the friends and their different "kinks", it is also about acceptance. It takes all kinds and love is different for everyone.
Growing up, my dad was an alcoholic who was abusive to all of us. I remember being little and hiding under the blanket when he was screaming at my mom. He would beat us too and was very verbally abusive. I remember hearing him hit her and breaking her jaw, and then bringing her milkshakes after she got it wired shut. As I got older, I would get in the middle of them to protect her. I have a sister who is 10 years younger than I am and used to get midnight calls from her because he was drunk and yelling at my mom and my sister was scared and either I or my (ex) husband would go pick her up (when he wasn't too high).
My mom died of cancer 7 years ago, and my dad sat with her for hours, spoon fed her, etc. Anyone seeing him who wasn't a family member would have had no idea what happened behind closed doors. I would hear comments about how sweet he was. Did he love her? I don't know. I am still trying to figure it all out myself, but to hear him talk now, she was the love of his life.
Oh, and to the anon who wrote about having kids. Yes, you probably shouldn't. We all hope and dream our children will be perfect but this isn't a perfect world. My son has autism and although that is not what I had hoped and dreamed for, I couldn't love him more.
i think that this is a response to everyone bashing on his , some kinda love post.
everyone was telling him that he's not really in love and blah blah.
So nic wrote this, as if to say, waht do u know about love, everyone loves differently, and I do love her, even after sucha short amount of time. I don't mean to put words into his mouth but it's just what I hear.
was the anon saying he doesn't want to have kids because of nic or sandy?
enigma - i believe he loved your mother...everybody says that love isn't supposed to hurt. i.e. if your partner is beating you he doesn't really love you.
from my own personal experience, i know my last ex loved me immensely...and there were times it hurt like hell. physically and emotionally. however, i don't believe that is the right kind of love or a healthy kind of love...but i do believe the person can still love you so deeply from their heart. in most cases, i think that's why some people act so crazy.
anyway, i really liked your post...
enigma- your comment really touched my heart. it was sad to read...and it just doesnt seem right but it touched me...about your son also.
to the anon about having babies...your an evil fucking person
Thats all
Kristyn
im evil because i dont want to have a child turn out like nic sheff or nancy spungen?, oh please, it just makes me one the smartest people in here
most of the people in here either have an addicted family memeber or have an addiction themselves. odds dont look so good my friends. plus, this world is fucked, who would want to bring a child into such a hell whole. now, you can waist you time and tell me how "Evil" or WRONG i am, but there are ALOT of us who feel the same way, i just came out and said it.
I get your point. I just dont really get your need to post it on here? I guess you just want to bring him down.
Anyway. I dont think his parents regret having him. That is obvious by the love and joy that was expressed in his father´s book.
That said, it is also obvious they went through hell and back. So yes, I get your point. But as someone else said, you never know when you have a child what might happen. They can get ill, have an accident, turn out to be a criminal.
And yet so many people still take that chance because the love between a parent and a child is one of the most beautiful; purest feelings in the world.
Anne.... perfectly said. I am one of the people who have a child facing the DISEASE of addiction. I wouldn't give him back or trade him for anything. The road isn't easy, but when were we promised easy?!?
Loving him through this is gravy. I am thankful that I have had the experience to learn to love unconditionally. I think that is what Nic is hinting at in this post. Taking people as they are, where they are.
Love is a risk, that is for sure, but in my experience it is one worth taking. It doesn't come with out hurt and pain sometimes and I agree with some of the other posts that sometimes it is unhealthy. I firmly believe it is necessary... we need to receive love almost as much as we need to give love. Loving unconditionally is the purest form of love. No strings, no expectations....just loving for the sake of loving.
The sappy mom,
Sheri
Nic said: "But go ahead and tell me it’s not love.
Tell me what love is.
Tell me what God is.
Tell me how the world formed and why.
Tell me how things should be.
Tell me how I should be.
Tell me how they should be."
_________________________
YOU TELL ME... Do you really WANT to know? Your title, Nic, is "What Love Ain't" And ALL the words then support this title?
I do not "judge 'your friends' nor YOU" but I do read the WORD -- and I read between the lines.
You have been gifted a time and place to write -- letters making words... and words are not your own -- they do not belong to any one of us. Words are "for borrows".
You can "try" with everything -- with every atom of your being to "believe" anything you want. And such is like one "trying" to I grow a Rose from bags of rock.
Try? Should I affirm "try" is enough? No. I will not. This is not logical. AND there IS logic to all this, Nic. And what you write you don't know, on this day, is not true. "not knowing" is safe. What you know, you must be accountable for. You do "know" because you know "what it aint".
You tell me, Nic.
Do you REALLY want to know?
Because I will, IN LOVE
Go with you, toe to toe.
"Do you ask a drowning man if he want to be saved?"
The Way of Love
"If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I'm nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate.
If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all his mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I'm nothing.
If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I'm bankrupt without love..."
"We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete.
But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled."
LOVE is for the innocent child to understand and know...
God is LOVE.
I know words...
And, I know LOVE.
And, like you, I know what love ain't.
Your title is true...
LOVE
m
"UNO WHO I AM"
Last Anon....you're the friend from Savanah aren't you!?!
i must agree that some people should not have childred, not everyone in the world is as "caring and supportive" as all the people on here claim to be. their are parents who could give a shit if their child is addicted. some parents just off their whole familys because they cant deal, you read it in the news everyday. it doesnt matter why or who posted the comment, i doubt nic will even take it to heart, so why are you?
wow sheri, read your blog, and then found out that your son now has a blog too, hope hes not the next nic sheff. hope thats not what you want him to be. i guess drug addicts blogging in the new cool thing to do. lame.
actually anonymous. you spelled waste wrong.
you wrote:
"now, you can waist you time and tell me how "Evil" or WRONG i am, but there are ALOT of us who feel the same way, i just came out and said it."
it's WASTE not waist.
oh yeah, also, A LOT is 2 words.
I don't want my son to be Nic, not that it would be a bad thing...My son is who he is...And I am very proud of him.
Has he always made good choices...no, will he make mistakes in the future probablly. But he is my son and I love who HE is.
Blogging is a way for him and me to express our feelings. If you want to critize that there is nothing I can do to stop you. I choose a public blog because if someone else is facing the same issues I pray they find peace and hope in the fact that they are not alone.
S
Sheri, you are so strong and a good mother, don't listen to these assholes. They are judgmental lowlifes.
It's not your fault what your son does. ultimately
everyone does whatever the hell they want, regardless of what their parents, or anyone want. I think you are strong for blogging about such personal issues. So is your son. Keep it up, I wish you much luck. People change, and sometimes its good ;)
my tummy hurts :(
Shari,
I agree with the anon, you are a strong and good mom. I just re-read Beautiful Boy and it got me thinking about a lot of things. Being a parent of a special needs child (adult now), I went through a lot of the same emotions and did the research, etc. that Nic's dad did and it also made me realize that with all of the addiction issues in my family how lucky I am that I didn't end up an "addict." That gene must have skipped me. How many of us in here can say we have never taken a drink or tried a drug?
And to the anon about the people who "seem to be understanding." I think we are that way because of our life experiences. Some of us have had some pretty shitty life experiences but it is a choice as to how you "use" them. You can choose to be mean and bitter about them and life or you can be more empathetic and try to learn and understand from them.
No- he is sick, because he is with his Dad and can't pretend to be sober anymore. Dope heads get sick, and he is a dope head. ANON- you are flying to see nic- are you for real???
Enigma,
Thanks for sharing your parents story with us. It just proved the whole idea to each its own!
No- he is sick, because he is with his Dad and can't pretend to be sober anymore. Dope heads get sick, and he is a dope head. ANON- you are flying to see nic- are you for real???
Wow, that last anon is a bloody miserable fuck! I hope your wrong!
Nic,
Sounds like true love to me, infatuation or lust does not touch your soulin that way.
I'm happy for you!
Feel better,
Lisa
If he was using, do you honestly think he would on a freaking book tour in front of an audience? Get real.
let alone hang out with his dad for days on end. haha
after all that they went through, I am pretty sure his dad would figure it out.
every now and then these trolls pop up and try to start a little something, it is pretty lame if you ask me. oh well.
About my mom and dad story, it was a bit hard to share, most of my friends don't even know the whole thing. I never understood why she stayed so long but in the end she did get the love she deserved. One of these days I need blog my life story.
you guys need to get a life, nic is probably sick with the flu- the whole north east has it right now. plus running around wears you down too. Good luck with the books tour, and safe travels.
uhh ok A. i dont know what planet you came from but EVERYBODY gets sick...that doesnt mean he's using cuz he's sick. I mean i dont know him I cant say for sure but to say hi is because he is sick is ridiculous!! and B. ok well maybe i wasnt clear enough in my last message i dont think you are evil b/c you dont want to have kids. but to straight up say to someone they are the reason you dont want to reproduce...thats fucked up man! I mean its just down right mean and its only my opinion so u dont need to freak out but you must be a miserable person and only want others to be miserable with you to say something like that! Hope all is well with everyone
Kristyn
The anonymous up there who signed "love m uno who I am" is not the friend from Savannah. It is Michaela, the girl Nic called M in his first posts.
Michaela, you should thank God that Nic didn't follow through and come up to visit you. You are not in love with Nic. Don't be fooled. You know you deserve better.
And to Lee and Emily, you should thank God that Nic is out of your lives as well. It's definitely for the best.
The last anonymous comment was from me. I created a profile because I don't want to get mixed up with all the other anons.
M?
m...
In the middle
Of A and Z
Between Alpha and Omega
M, it be me
Why I Pos It? For only One
He knows M...
Don'tcha?
He is called "Number One Son"
Don't be deceived, upset or sad
"Here" there is room for "the bad".
M is not What you think...
He's another-brother-friend... (WINK-WINK)
How many now -- "friends" do YOU have?
Post public if you must,
Post, post, post... better now? You Trust?
Back to the LOVE and what Nic wrote "it ain't"
THIS IS the Title at Hand.
In closing, I wonder...
why a man
did post of a simple sickly state...
Do any of you care of the wife's monthly cramps?
What about My Head --
Ache?
Do you, Real-Nic, want to know
The questions you post to all,
Or was it fun just to ramble on
...and vomit what you think we all need to know...
About you?
Or what
LOVE "ain't"?
REAL-REEL... WE'RE ROLLING!
We're all on.
LOVE
m
Ohhh Spell-check anon is back!
Whoohooo!!
I had not corrected spelling in a while because I was in trouble last time I did!
Hey Nic, Love is a royal pain-in-the-ass. I love the drama. I love the pain. I love the high. Love is what you make it. Love the person, even when these things have faded. Love the person when they're not as loveable as in the beginning. Love love no matter what. It is a question. It is an answer. It is beauty. It is ugly. It is sticking with it, even when you don't feel like it. It is commitment. It is patient. It is always a choice.
I have to say that this entry was the best yet. Love. It can be so stressful, heartbreaking, and confusing yet we yearn for it with a passion.
Anyways hope things are going good with you and that you start feeling better soon.
By the way I sent you an email on myspace (not sure if you read or even respond to those) and would "love" to hear back from you if you get the time.
Bye.
Kelly.
What love is...
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
well miss kris i dont see where it says that you can only leave nice supportive comments.
and the last time i checked this wasn't your blog.
all you ladys need to get off your high horse, spell checking and all.
YOU CANT FIX HIM, YOU CANT SAVE HIM, AND HE DOESNT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU
this blog is about HIM, not about you and what YOUD like
you people are idiots
?i don't understand your point?
What is "blog" on the World Wide Web if it is not "for" others? I know a few wonderful book stores that sell diaries -- those are blank pages in a book where one can write for ones self. Rosie -- has a blog -- I have not read it... and I think Britney Spears had or has one too. Is this written ONLY for them?
If a person has a gift of the word (and it seems for now Nic Sheff might) then one shares this gift. Right? For "others" right?
I did a little research and found that Brad Pitt's company bought "the rights" to Beautiful Boy and Tweeked.
Now -- a small sample of one's life is for sale? For others? I have been thinking about this -- And I am not done yet, thinking. But I really have to wonder how this public blogging and movie making affects ones soul. In other words, LIFE moves forward... Or, it attempts to... But these books (and now "the movie") is read and seen for the first time by many over and over and over and over again. In the whole of Life -- (generations past, I mean) how might if feel if one second of Life was forever seen by the masses as a definition of who one is?
Hang in there with me, as I said, I am still thinking this through... would it, could it, might it be a temptation, for say, fame, to forever be known as "the addict"? God forbid that I be remembered for some periods in my life... God forbid!
I slowly watched the family photos of Nic's "padre" and Nic. Over and over again... slow. Stopped and stared. (I did not see any of his mother) ...And step mother and half brother and sister. I looked carefully... as an Artist. And I saw something in the eyes of our Creator's "beautiful boys". It was in the eyes....
As a child, Nic had eyes full of intuition and Life-light. His father knew it -- saw it. And that is LOVE. I base this on the photos, not the read. Not only was this boy (one of many) tender, intuitive -- with Life-light, his father saw it.
There are many children I have noticed this in, who are born into families who do not see it. I have seen parents snuff out this Life-light through a dog-like training of their children in the name of religion. Our Creator, also called "The WORD" is not at all about this kind of "love". Though "padre" did not believe -- he did for a time know, somehow, that this treasured "Life-Light" in the eyes of his son, should not be messed with or snuffed out. Am I right?
Nic, you write, right: "What Love Ain't" and as you mature into the a man that is not labled as "the addict" (and I believe there will come a day) you will see clearly examples of LOVE on The Way.
In recent photos (and I know it may be mostly "all about the press" -- so the mood is set -- and photo shot) the child-like Life-light in the eye is gone. Are you acting it away for the shoot, or is it hiding in the dark? Without this child-heart connection, you will not -- can not see what is unseen. BUT... you CAN remember. You do know the times when you felt known -- when you felt loved... "I WAS THERE."
Looking close at the eyes in the photos I can see an under-tone... in the eyes of padre's wife and the dog and you... it is as if you looked displaced. It is not fair that any child that is known should be "bought and sold" via the culture of pop-psychology and the socially acceptable me-first needs of an adult parent. I know the age... I AM. It was (and is) full of self justification. It is true: "If I knew better, I would have done..." BUT WE DON'T KNOW! And the affects of
go-with-the-flow can snuff the Life-Light we so intended to protect.
Bottom line, you ARE a "beautiful boy" WE ALL ARE "BEAUTIFUL BOY" (the child in us never leaves) and I wonder, as an adult -- it is time we learn to LOVE [him].
The LOVE you once depended on to KNOW you and protect your intuitive, Life-light was compromised when a mere man could not provide you what you needed. Protection. Because people who are born with this "gift" need protection. (covering, so they will never be naked) Most people do not know it.. do not recognize it -- and this gift -- it does come to both those who "believe" in God or do not "believe". It is from Creator...
I know you know what I write, and I know your dad knowns... And I do think you birth mother knows... But to know how to care for a child with a Creator's gift when one does not believe in "Creator" is completely impossible. So, the focus is too much on "the boy" and the weight is too great for the child. (Truth does not equate to blame.) I can see it. So the culture and all its carnival lights and sounds and promises -- false faces and "we'll take care of you... (for the rights to this part of your life) is what is seen. Brad Pitt thinks he has bought this chapter, but in fact, he has not! It is NOT done! And you will NOT be defined the rest of your days as "an addict" if you come to a deep place where you do not need it, and do not want it, and will not take anything for it.
So... You know Love, Nic.... Because you KNOW "What it Ain't" You got the title right. Next time you look at your reflection, look into your own eyes and ask, "where is the Light of 'Beautiful Boy' and see what it looks like to smile His Way -- If you can't -- then imagine...
Jasper... Imagine going into his room while he slept and punching him -- hurting him -- drugging him -- dragging him away from the ones who you witnessed Love him... Can you see yourself doing this? Nic.... who did this to you? Something -- not of God, NOT of your Creator has bet money and culture against the child-heart of your spirit. And both your father and you have been tempted to sell out "for others"? What od you owe pop-culture? Is this your your job? Selling yourself as the poster-boy for drug addiction? Is this what you want?
So... in the name of helping yourself do you blog to the world? Is it true what one said? "For youself?" Or, is it
in the name of helping others that you blog?
In the name of culture and art, do you blog?
Make no mistake -- when you write "naked" there will be birds of pray heading your way. And the Life-Light in the Beautiful Boy will eventually go dim, completely. You have a choice.
First find him...
Then love him.
Then ask him Who and Why he was Created...
The child-heart knows.
I know Life-Light when I see it.
I see it in the eyes of your father and I see it in the eyes of the child...
Something inside you is afraid to see the damage done to "beautiful boy". I believe it is because you do not want to Believe...
Bringing beautiful boy to his Creator in all that has been done to him, is more "risky" than anything you have done. The idea of forgiveness frightens you more than anything you can imagine. So... it easier to say, "I can't believe -- I have tried -- I can't."
LOVE
m
m-
Wow, really put a lot of thought and passion into that one, and some of the things you wrote started off to be very thought provoking, but still, I seriously have no idea what you were talking about. Don't mean to be mean. It was really intense though so maybe I'll go read it again and try to figure it out. Or perhaps you could just post the cliff notes.
a...
I re-read it. Say for some typos, I do not think, at THIS point, I could make it more clear. There are some things in that long post ONLY for Nic and "padre" to "hear" (you know?)
I know what you mean, though -- the words hit the heart before the mind -- and it is like trying to see "Truth-Angels" in the dark...
I "get it" in my gut. It is universal, you know? Cut and paste and ask questions. Maybe we can go from there to better communicate??
LOVE
m
LOVE
m
Thanks for coming to AZ this past Friday, I really enjoyed hearing you speak...i enjoy reading your blog, thanks for being real, I appreciate your bravery in sharing the good and the bad...
take care of you,
Emily
tempe, az
nic,
i just want to say you're beautiful in the way beautiful means something.
Driving to Pheonix? I live close to there! :D
Anyway, love has no deffinition. Why? Because different people feel different things, because people are different. We have different reasons for loving someone, and they have their own reasons for loving us back. It's amazing actually, because anyone can have their own take on love and still be correct. People grow and change, and it's when people continue to love them even though they may be slightly or completely different from how they used to be, that, in my opinion, is true love.
Nic, I am still so very proud of you(:
And I love these posts that are not so self loathing, as some of the others are. Congrats on another day.
Remember to keep smiling!
With unfathomable amounts of love,
Sarah Ann<3
to sum up M. This is what i got from it.
Just because Nic sheff wrote a book on addiction, that doesn't define him. That was only a chapter of his life. (he basically can write about book 20 years from now on wat he did for the past 20 yrs and it could be completely unrelated to drugs.)
I think M doesn't want Brad Pitt to make Tweaked a movie.
M sees a troubled Nic even as a yong child, just by looking into his eyes. M can do this with many pictures of many children.
M thinks that Nic is writing on his blog to help other people, not to help himself.
<3 AAA
I Love all of you.
Why would anyone want to make a movie about the Sheffs?? What's the point of that story? Nothing about David and Nic says "addicts and families of addicts can overcome addiction" Nic Sheff's story says "You can pour love and money into helping an addict recover but they will just relapse and hurt you some more" There are people out there with much more positive stories to tell about the disease of addiction. Addicts who made the choice to change. I can't see Brad Pitt's movie about the Sheffs having people leaving the theater with any hope at all. Depressing. Nic Sheff has said it himself...He is addicted to celebrity. He blogs because it makes him feel famous and important. He doesn't care about helping anyone else. I thought David Sheff was different. Shame on him for selling the rights to his family's heartbreaking story.
Hey Nic. Hope all is well. I'd love to see a few book signings on the East coast. Maybe New York?
To readers of Nic,
Nic is amazing, honest, admits he's lost. Nic's girlfriend (I won't out her name)is even more amazing in her decency, coolness without trying to be cool, and the love that she just exudes. Nic is fine and though he's lost I came away thinking he's more on the road to finding himself than even he realizes.
To Nic and your beautiful girl,
Thanks for the conversation, love shown, friendship (sorry I pissed off the book lady, but your girl REALLY wanted that book, she got it, who cares if the book store was pissed). Hope you saw Religulous; tell your grandma that I did one better with the Obama/Biden button she gave me (only if I promised to wear it); I stuck it on my purse, which goes everywhere with me, so I don't have to try to remember to put it on. I keep my promises (still working on the blog "The Survivors vs. the Ignorant" though, keep getting interupted by small children who happen to be my own. I'm e-mailing you the pics (as promised). You be well, drop me a line and tell your girl to KEEP IN TOUCH. She's the biggest Gus van Sant fan I know besides myself (everything from MOPI to Paranoid Park and in between). Love to you both.
P.S. just remember "Religion is what keeps the poor from killing the rich.":)
Anonymous said
"Nic Sheff has said it himself...He is addicted to celebrity. He blogs because it makes him feel famous and important. He doesn't care about helping anyone else. I thought David Sheff was different. Shame on him for selling the rights to his family's heartbreaking story."
Well Anonymous, compared to you and I, I would say nic is very famous.You and I also will never have to turn Brad down for obvious reasons.I think the most remarkable Thing about nic's book was that he relapsed in the middle of it and was able to finish it. Now about selling the rights to their stories. If it saves one life it will be worth it. If it makes the gut wrenching pain, that the parents feel a little bit less then it wioll be worth it.
tim
Nic Sheff is famous? I guess on this blog he is. Most people have never heard of him.
He never said he is famous.
It is just more people trying to start shit.
He wrote a book and it was successful.
And it is the kind of story that obviously has garnered a lot of interest from people all over the world who come online and look him up to see what/how he is doing.
Thank-you, sincerely, for the footnotes, AAA! And if I was the One to grade, I would give you a B. In shorter fashion, I am more able to respond. (After that, a creative writing assignment was due.... )
RE: AAA post:
"AAA said...
to sum up M. This is what i got from it.
1) Just because Nic sheff wrote a book on addiction, that doesn't define him. That was only a chapter of his life. (he basically can write about book 20 years from now on wat he did for the past 20 yrs and it could be completely unrelated to drugs.) (Correct)
2.) I think M doesn't want Brad Pitt to make Tweaked a movie.
It may be "wealthy", it is, more likely than not, not healthy, nor wize. Why? I am working on this WORD communication...
3.) M sees a troubled Nic even as a yong child, just by looking into his eyes. M can do this with many pictures of many children.
I see "gifted children" in the windows the soul, called eyes. I see "gifted child" in both father and son. The "troubled" grips both, based the misunderstanding of this gift -- because of the misunderstandings of the Giver -- The Creator of such gifts.
4.) M thinks that Nic is writing on his blog to help other people, not to help himself."
I believe WORDS have a Life. The Word stands alone. While Nic's fingers hit the letters to write these blogs, it may or may not be for himself or others. If turned sideways or upside-down, it may be more true the "author" is un-known?
There is a saying, "We see what we want to see". Additionally, we read what we want to read and may have recall if it matters. We weave WORD into the alter of what we call "our truth" if it matters. I try and read as objectively as I can. I read "the words". And, I ask myself, "Where is Solid Ground? Or, where is what one might call "Universal Truth".
When a stand-up can't get laughs and he or she is not "on" the cheep stand-up will start throwing out F-bombs for cheep laughs. Similar is one called "artist" or writer... In other words, (pun intended) an honest writer will go deeper and express what and why he or she can't better communicate.
Objectively, I see the writing of nic sheff to be rather shallow. He does not "write to" anyone but himself and the masked "blog readers". I see this as a dead end.
I wonder if this is fair -- so I ask myself how the other readers respond... Those who commented on posts, writing: "it was the best post so far..." I wonder... why these do not communicate why -- WHY was THIS post "the best so far"? Might these praises be like the "cheep laugh" primed by the stand-up's "f-bomb" or shock value?
As an invested reader of this site, (for now) I want to encourage Nic to write with heart and intent. He does not have to undress -- be naked -- in order to connect to The Word. I consider that cheep-writing.
That's it. Thank-you AAA.
The following was a Creative Writing Assignment. "In Other WORD"
LOVE
m
________________________________
CREAT-IVE-WORD-ASSIGN-MEN-T
I. O. double U. (In Other WORD)
Over-hearing conversations in unseen places
"The one who now holds
The Beautiful
He does not know,
nor understand?"
"From the dust and the flies"
"He crawls his way to where the creatures are in this place..."
"The cost?"
"His insight, sight, and shameful nakedness... He is exposed."
"Does he know it?"
"Yes, but we think he does not care because he writes undone.
And others write praises to him for this."
"In front of thousands, with all that you know happens here,
He strips naked for the 'blog'
And opens all his doors...
Just as he has done before..."
"Who let this one in the door?"
"After selling his covering
He sold his insight and now, his sight.
We think he knows not where he is..."
"Eyes that once could see
The Beautiful
Are now sleep-crusted-shut."
"He is naked and blind."
"To what? To Who?"
"He writes, to YOU."
"His fingers and hands
Reach out to see..."
"His own reflection or WHO?"
"He wrote 'The Universe is inside...'
We are not sure what he means by this, Creator..."
"Does this bold one see The Beautiful?
In the midst of 'the universe'?
The Beautiful is safe,
Protected...
In the Arms of The WORD.
Does he see?"
"And now many are shaking
The Arms...
Of The Word
Protecting The Beautiful!"
"Naked, in front of masked faces
He cries out for The Beautiful.
Blind, his hands try to feel Him.
This is what he says...
"I CAN'T! I CAN'T!!
I TRY, I CAN'T!"
"He says this?"
"Yes."
"He stands naked and blind
In front of The Beautiful, now."
"He does not see
Where he has been lead and
WHO is "in front" of him."
"Tell what YOU see."
"The Beautiful is a new baby lamb
Beaten down, bloody, left for dead.
Gasping for breath...
Labored breathing.
Small, his eyes bleed.
Soft virgin fleece is attached to
Skin-hide -- but the skin is not the tiny, new baby lamb.
No, the skin has been torn from his tenderness
In anticipation that he might end up here -- naked."
"The Beautiful
Followed him..."
"And now offers this naked,
Blind one a covering --
The Beautiful's own skin --
The Beautiful's virgin wool --
Warm soft fleece."
"Yes"
"Does he even wonder why?"
"He does not see The Beautiful
He does not see..."
And, in secret places we hear more
From another place...
"He does not want to see
The Beautiful..."
"He hates The Beautiful -- loves himself more..."
"He refuses the warm gift-covering
From The Beautiful."
"He loves more his shame-fame"
"He brags -- tells all..."
"He writes, 'I LOVE YOU' to people he does not know --
he uses the WORD -- Uses LOVE."
"He does not believe in LOVE."
"God is LOVE."
"He abuses the word, "LOVE".
"WHAT HAS HE DONE
TO GET TO THIS POINT?"
"Look..."
All the eyes looked in the direction of
The Unseen Places and the eyes did see...
"The Beautiful bleeds...
Without skin The Beautiful suffers... and the baby, virgin Gift of Life, dies..."
On from a place of justice shouts!
"The Beautiful has been EVERYWHERE with him!!
The Beautiful has been named his name!
He will not and can not accept
The Beautiful as himself.
Some think he'd rather die."
"What does he think?"
"Only You know."
"Yes... and what you see --
this bloody, skinless, cold, tiny baby lamb...
He does not understand?
He would rather die than to see
What The Beautiful, pure one offers to save him, freely."
"Does he know about...
The One The Beautiful belongs?"
"We think he thinks himself."
"NO! This naked blind "writer" has been gifted MY Beautiful.
Every step he has taken.
Ever place he has been,
MY BEAUTIFUL has followed --
has seen, has cried, had endured, had taken beatings
BUT, he has chosen NOT to see.
Has he called these steps his own?"
"Yes -- and so too he was taught."
"I will think on this blind, naked one who plays with The Word as a toy?
I will see this one who claims "I have tired, but I can't, I have tried to believe..."
We will see...
The question to him and to some more I see, What will it be?
If I shake the earth under foot, I question if it be enough.
Would he rather be naked, shamed, and blind
Walking on fools-gold-streets and writing on bloody red carpet blogs?
He knows now what he is dragging wherever he goes --
The Beautiful...
Tiny, bloody, now skinless lamb
Offering his naked body his own virgin skin and wool
For warmth and covering
LOVE
m
_____________________________
Some people dont feel the need to ramble on and on and on and try to make an impression by knocking down others with a flood of words.
When I, personally, read someone say THIS WAS THE BEST BLOG SO FAR, my interpretation is that of all the blogs on this site, the person enjoyed this one the most. It touched this person the most.
It gave this person the best feeling out of all the blogs on here.
Why make it more difficult and heavy then it is??
Take it for what it is.
And I am sorry if that came across as rude, that is not my intention. I just got a very negative vibe from these past posts, as if you put yourself above everyone else by belittling what they write.
When there is nothing to "defend" there is NOTHING to defend. Your post reveals who YOU are.
"lead me to the shallow waters before I get too deep"
"take it for what it is"
NOTHING, Nothing
hey I just finished your book you are a good writer. Good luck with staying sober and with your writing.
I guess I'm feeling pretty doofus right now, being another one who's not quite getting the point of some of these extremely long winded posts.
If you know him as intimately as you seem to m, wouldn't you have a way to communicate with him directly? Or if not... it's really pretty easy to set up your own blogger account.
Wow.. I sound like sort of a bitch don't I? I don't mean to be. But I'm just not getting it. I enjoy reading his blogs... I find them rather purposeful and insightful and they also (sort of) make sense to me. And believe it or not, they have also enabled me to look at a couple of things in my life a bit more objectively. So I don't get all the angst. But then again, I don't know him intimately either...
But I'd love to see the movie! Especially if it's with Brad Pitt. har
M,
Even though I only got a B I am glad I semi-understand you. I like how you write in code. You remind me of an old wise owl.
<3 AAA
BTW Cheap is spelled with an "a" it isn't spelled CHEEP. Sorry, that just bothered me. it was quite repetitive.
cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap cheap
Re: "BTW Cheap is spelled with an "a" it isn't spelled CHEEP. Sorry, that just bothered me. it was quite repetitive"
NO NEED TO WRITE SORRY!
You know how it is this time of year? "cheep, cheep, cheep"
Over and over again in the early fall mornings -- Wake up calls! Those Birdies ARE repetitive!
It's the Season, you know?
That EE or EA thing gets me ALL the [parsley, sage, rosemary and] thyme! :)
"Remember me... One who Lives [there]?"
...
"Tell [her] to find me [on an] acre of land
(On the side of a hill a sprinkling of Leaves)...
... Between the salt water and the sea strands
(A Soldier cleans and polishes a Gun)...
Tell [her] to reap it with a sickle of leather
(War bellows blazing in scarlet battalions)
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
(Generals order their soldiers to kill)
And gather it all in a bunch of heather
(And to fight for a cause they've long ago forgotten)
Then [she'll] be a true love of mine..."
Remember me?
... One who Lives There...
A E I O U (and sometimes Y)
Those guys that "shout their name the live-long day... to an admiring bog?
"I am nobody, are you nobody too?"
Cheep
Cheep
Tweet
Tweet
Whooo
Whooo
Whooo
Keep covered... < AAA... (was)
= MMM (is) ZZZ > 2 come.
LOVE
m
Dreamer-Jo...
Any type of cult approaches people when they are at their most weak or vulnerable, that is how they operate. They get people when they dont have the power to stand up for themselves and lure them in.
Nic after reading your blog about the cult and then seeing these posts on here, I wanted to say this to you.
The fact that you were able to see it for what it is, before getting completely sucked in, shows that you are much stronger and more level headed then you think Nic.
I think that is something to feel good about. It would have been so easy to get sucked in and lose yourself to that but you did not, you used your brain and stopped yourself.
And good thing you did.
For fucks sake! Where in the hell is a new post from Nic? I just wanted to come here and read a new post and instead I get all this wacked out shit! Who are you freaks of nature? Fuck it.. I'll just wait for the movie!
Chirp Chirp CHirp Chirp Chirp
Chirp Chirp CHirp Chirp Chirp
And here was me thinking I was crazy.
Damn.
what IS this fuckery? lol. more coffee....
Hi! I finished rading your book last week (yes, I know I'm so behind) and discover your posting and everything is great! I'm very happy for you, about everything that is happening to you and to know that you are well and spending time with your "padre". I'm looking foward to read your postings and hopefully a new book soon!
Love,
Maria
Chardonnay,
Nope you're not a bitch. I think a few of these last posts are 'Long winded' as well. I think certain pompous individuals like to come and use this blog's ambiance to savor their own stench! It reminds me of manure.
Kitty
Get off the acid M.... You make absolutely no sense at all... I think you are one of those people who talk just to hear themselves talk!
If you look on Nic's Myspace page, M has written in there too. Very weird.
I am thinking Nic was wise to move on to someone else.....
stalker.
Is the M from the myspace the same M from here? I think M stands for MOM.
lol@fuckery
The writing style/words look the same to me. I only looked at first page, don't know if there is more.
Hey, uh, I decided to buy all my blogger friends
a present. And uh, yeah. I have been thinking bout all of you on my book tour. I am getting everyone
Rolex watches.
I hope you uh like them, um okay? right?
ok. So uh whatever.
If you look back, the very first few blogs Nic wrote were "the story of M"......not that I think this person is the real "M", but I figure that is what they want us to think.
lmao at the "nic sheff in blue".
oh man you people are entertaining. A little crazy. But entertaining none the less.
Wonder where the real Nic is though, looking forward to some bloggin. Dont let the crazies scare you away!
I like the way m writes. i think it's cool. :) beautifully written. call me crazy, but thats just what i think.
Where is Nic? Is he still on tour?
I know his father has some more appearances this week but I am not sure if Nic does too?
Fuckery- (Noun) Vulgar Slang 1.The act or manner of engaging in nonsense comments. 20 An activity to engage in for pure enjoyment and sel satisfaction. Ex- It was all done in pure fuckery.
(Verb) To perform, act or assume the role of fuckery.
(Adjective) Fuckerable
These definitions come from The All American Kitty8katnip dictionary of slang- Copyright 2008
oops, it's suppose to be self satisfaction, and number 2 not 20.
lol.dmorris311 is "fuckerable".
:D
LOL. well now. and what the hell is m writing about. it made my head hurt.
Well everybody's heard about the bird
Bird bird bird
Bird is the word (X7)
Don't you know about the bird
Well everybody knows that the bird is the word
Bird bird bird
Bird is the word (X7)
Don't you know about the bird
Well everybody knows that the bird is the word
Bird bird bird
Bird is the word
Well everybody's heard about the bird
Bird bird bird
Bird is the word (X7)
Don't you know about the bird
Well everybody knows that the bird is the word
Bird bird bird
Bird is the word
Surfin' bird
...
Don't you know about the bird
Well everybody knows that the bird is the word
__________________________________
Kitty-
Love the definition..... lmfao!
Very quiet in here today.....
I dont know what love is either...i like your definition of it tho. we dont know what love is in our live but we know when there is no love in our live
Stay strong
Live Love Laugh
and Dance
Thanks for all the comments, I placed the new definition on my website. I hope it helps pass the time while we wait for our resident writer.
I wonder if the fires there have anything to do with no post or if he is still sick?
I think the resident writer is either
a) still touring or just with his dad/family somewhere,
b) still sick and not caring to blog,
c) with his gf and not caring to blog,
d) just not interested in posting anything with so many lunatics lurking haha
who knows who knows perhaps he just got bored with it. Guess we will see soon enough.
Nic,
I just wanted to let you know that I loved your book. I came from a family where I was allowed to do what ever I really wanted. For the most part I was a good kid. Don't get me wrong, there was a 5 year period that I did go down the drug road. I don't have an addictive personality, so I was able to choose the right road after a bit. I did have a boyfriend that I wanted to marry and LOVED soo deeply, but he didn't want to get help and stay clean. I am soo proud of you because I know how hard it must have been for you. It's a hard thing to give up that life style and move onto the RESPONSIBLE life. Your book let me see what my ex was going through and I now understand fully.
Things do work out though. My life got 100% better and I thank my ex for it. If it wasn't for him, I would not be the person I am today!!! I am now married and I know what life style I choose!!
Keep up the work Nic!! Any plans to come to Northern California?
Question:
List, please, what "LOVE AIN'T" for me... Seems I am having a hard time here understanding the difference between "AIN'T and IS"
Nic says he's crazy -- then someone says "he won't post because of the crazies?" HOW LOGICAL IS THAT?!!
What I read is professional co-dependents playing front-end for their favorite can't see, can't touch, don't REALLY know" addict... is THAT "love"? Block away, then you wet noodles! You really think this is at all in any way shape or form about U?
Imagination vs. Reality -- Where is the Solid Rock called Foundation?
"They say 'opinion' is the queen of the world, but I believe THIS goes WAY BEYOND 'opinion'. I say, "Crown this One King!"
WORD UP!
Where I come from, that is a BOLD, BOLD statement...
But I AIN'T no company man!
I AIN'T no company man!!!
(You'all can 'respect that' can't you?")
YOU CAN ONLY POCESS WHAT YOU EXPERIENCE, YOU CAN ONLY POCESS WHAT YOU EXPERIENCE!
TRUTH TO BE UNDERSTOOD, MUST BE LIVED --
YOU CAN ONLY POCESS WHAT YOU EXPERIENCE!
TRUTH IS CREATIVE, TRANSFORMING AND ALIVE -- IT IS TRUTH THAT KEEP US HUMBLE, SAVED AND SET FREE --
YOU CAN ONLY POCESS WHAT YOU EXPERIENCE!!!"
So... here is the REAL MEAL DEAL. If one does not have a solid-grounding "Truth" that is evidenced by a Life not blown around by the wind at every emotional surge -- when self-emotion is less than the meaning of another's wellbeing... one has very little "love" to give let alone receive and/ or understand.
TRUTH is creative, transforming and ALIVE...
LOVE is in a Truth-friend-relationship. It stands the test of time. It does not float in and float out when it does not feel so good or when tested.
It is easy, in this "place" to read rammmble about love -- but it is an ACTION word. It is a VERB. "No greater LOVE is this -- that one lay his life down for a friend."
If one does not, (rather CAN'T) know this love -- then one is left to his or her own self-centered, emotionally based, sexually based "opinion" about love.
Anyone who knows love has first known the Love of God. "We love, because He first loves us."
I hear the baby crying again, daddy. His temper is up and he is screaming, "I CAN'T, I CAN'T I CAN'T" and all these little blogg viewers just have no idea why they are sitting on there butts staring at a screen talking about what love is when they could be getting to know the neighbors down the street...
Wet noodles...
How great thou Art?
Too much yeast in the dough.
Do you see
Do you see
All the people sinking down
Don't you care?
Don't you care?
Are you going to let them drown?
Who depends on Who here?
"You don't ask a drowning man
If he wants to be saved
When you know he's sinking down
Down beneath the crashing waves"
(WAIT? Don't you mean unless he wears diapers?)
"Betrayal wears two faces
Both easy to explain
One is what you say and do
To bring another human pain
When you refuse to act
Though you know the good to do
When you refuse to speak what's right
You've worn the face of number two."
(sorry, spell-person -- go ahead and edit and foot-note and throw your wet noodle words my way. I could use the look of hair on my monster-face!)
Break-it down O lover of all and everything -- break it down!
Nic are you coming to the east coast at all with your tour??
Or to Michigan? We have really lovely winters here...
Just please come back soon and put some writing sense back into this place, ok? thx
Not that that was at all intended as a blanket statement to everyone...
brrr I dont want to think about winter in Michigan! Too cold for me...and coming too fast!! but if ur somebody who likes the snow its great!
Nic we miss you! Hope all is well!!
Kristyn
Winter is coming.... but right now it is Autumn and beautiful! I love the fall...but do dread the winter.
I second the missing Nic.... hope all is well.
somethings not right...
Yeah. Lame.
Has ANYONE heard from Nic? And I only want sincere answers, not BS pulled outta your ass. Thanks!
Reminds me of in his book when he was dating Z and didn't want to do anything but spend time with her.
zzzzzzzz..
Please be encouraged to ask youselves WHAT "something is not right"... There is "something left".
[READ THE WORDS]
Private places are GOOD places. Okay? This is not "private". What we know and do not know is what it is. What is written by anyone, anywhere, at any time, is what it is. No one owns the Word. Ask yourself if YOU would want people to be "your fan" in the midst of becoming undone. Allow for yourself a quiet place. What has stirred in "the readers" hearts and mind? What questions does "the reader" have? The same, possibly of the writer? These are the most intimate and deepest questions offered to the human heart... (some "here") Have mercy and grace -- and offer the gift of time. LISTEN to the silence. And "let go"...
blah. i guess i'll give in and read the huffington....
2nd that zzzz...
I am sick of you "M".
Here is M's myspace profile.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=384475557
It is all about wanting attention. And as long as people keep giving it, she will come back and talk some more about nothing being nothing and other incoherent stuff that goes nowhere.
This is an entertaining blog to read. I often come here just to see some updates cos Tweak and Beautiful Boy sparked my interest in this person and his family. But if he has decided to not blog anymore for whatever reason, there is not much to be done.
But c'mon guys, if you really read into m's writings, i mean.... some of it really does make sense, ya know? I dunno, I see it. I agree it's weird... and most of you hate being proven wrong, or told 'whats up', but it is a little assuring at times...
Oh yea, Nic said 'HOPEFULLY NEXT WEEK I'LL BE POSTING REGULARLY'
Hello? Did you guys forget about that??? There's your answer.
maybe we just don't care what m says:D
second that. zzzzz....
maybe "M" is really nic
I just want to point out that Nic is a real person, with real feelings, with real needs and a real life. While I enjoy his posts and miss them....maybe.... just MAYBE we should respect that life happens and this blog for our entertainment may not be a high priority.
The posibilities are endless as to why he hasn't posted, and speculation is useless.
Maybe we should say a prayer, send a well wish or whatever your belief system is.
I couldn't agree with you more anonymous at 2:43.
But anyway, I'm reading this book. I would never have picked it up for myself but my sister gave it to me and my sis is really cool. So I thought... ok, why not?
And so far it's amazing. It's called "Conversations With God" by Neale Donald Walsch. The book I have is the complete trilogy. And I wouldn't have believed I'd actually end up loving it until I got about half way through.
But it speaks to so much. And it just reminded me a lot about the God Blog from a few weeks back... in an almost surreal way. Anyway, just thought I'd share.
"Well, I don’t know about the whole Christian thing, but that idea of having a lot of faith, I can kinda dig that. I think I do have a lot of faith, or, well, I’ve acquired it. Not faith in God or anything, but just faith in life—that things’ll work out. They don’t always, but, still, I have this maybe absurd trust in the fact that I’m being taken care of somehow.
Mother may I?
I hope you feel better, I really miss your postings.
Love,
m
I agree but I feel like I need to know that he is ok and that if he is writing he is fighting.
M
Don'tcha think some battles we just have to fight alone. The faith that everyone has spoken of recently.... maybe we should have faith in Nic.
RE: I agree but I feel like I need to know that he is ok and that if he is writing he is fighting.
M"
I think that is where FAITH comes into work.
Faith
1Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.
1.)I AM CERTAIN THAT GOD IS LOVE.
2.) I AM CERTAIN THAT HE IS INVISIBLE...
3.)I AM CERTIAN THAT "HIS INVISIBLE QUALITITES ARE CLEARLY SEEN IN ALL THAT HE HAS MADE."
4.)I AM CERTAIN OF THE SUPERNATURAL AND PURE BEAUTIFY OF CREATION...
5.)I AM CERTAIN THAT HE IS THE WORD
6.)I AM CERTAIN OF HIS LOVE...
7.)I AM CERTAIN HE STILL SPEAKS TO "EARS THAT CAN HEAR"
8.)I AM CERTAIN THAT, IN MANY CASES, (UPPER AND LOWER CASE)TRUE WRITERS "HEAR HIS VOICE"
9.)I AM CERTAIN THAT MY SAFTY, PROTECTION, COVERING, LOVE, LIFE... NO MATTER THE NUMBER OF MY DAYS, ARE IN HIS HANDS.
10.) I AM CERTAIN THAT NO MATTER WHAT, TRUTH WILL ALWAYS BE MADE KNOW AND ALL LIES WILL BE EXPOSED.
11.) I AM CERTAIN THAT IT IS POSSIBLE TO WALK IN FAITH -- BELIEVING IN ONE WHO IS UNSEEN
12.) I AM CERTAIN THAT FAITH IS REWARDED... AND HAS BEEN.
13.) I AM CERTAIN THERE ARE MORE THAN A FEW "M"'S "IN THIS PLACE"
14.) I AM CERTAIN A GOD OF LOVE GIFTS THE MIND SUPERNATURAL LOVE FOR ONE OR ANOTHER WE DO NOT EVEN "KNOW"...
15.) I AM CERTAIN THAT THIS SITE IS BUT A SEASON, AND THE SEASON IS NEAR OVER.
16.) I AM CERTAIN THAT GOD HAS LOVED AND CONTINUES TO LOVE AND HAS CALLED AND CONTINUES TO CALL ALL "D'S" AND "N'S" TO AN UNDERSTANDING OF LOVE IN THE HAND OF THE KING OF HEARTS...
17.) I AM CERTAIN THAT, LIKE A MOTHER CALLING HER SON HOME FROM PLAY, SOME ARE HEARING THE CALL: "TIME TO COME HOME -- TIME FOR DINNER..."
18.) I AM CERTAIN THAT THE TABLE IS SET FOR FAMILY -- A PLACE OF WHOLE AND COMPLETE BELONGING.
19.) I AM CERTAIN... I AM CERTAIN
20.) I KNOW THE FAITHFUL ONE... HIS WAY -- AND HIS TRUTH AND HIS LIFE.
IN FAITH...
HEEDING THE CALL
ET "CALL HOME"
LOVE
LOVE
LOVE
Alana, I totally agree with you.
M
too many M's
watching the debate?
what if youre wrong , nic. what then?
"joe the plumber" lmao. where's your friend "joe six pack??"
Working out.
dmorris,
how do u go on this blog, and comment, fro your celly?
That all sounds like love to me.
celly=cell phone
Wow, after everything I have read that you have written, this is the most electrifying. I feel there are two kinds of love, the love I feel for my family and the feeling of being in love with someone. The feeling I get from being in love is that I want to be inside that person and for that person to be inside me, be one with that person. But, everyone has a different view of love. God to me is something out there that is bigger than me or anyone on this earth. I used to think that there is a reason for why a person acts the way they do but who am I to think that. I try not to be judgmental but no one is perfect. If I could dissect the brain of every person on earth, I would. This is hard when you have a child you are trying to raise. Are you doing the right thing, will you somehow form the way this person does everything in there life. What a huge responsibility, it scares the shit out of me but I push on and try to do my best. I think you can only make decisions and choices for yourself but I also believe their is a higher power that can somehow make those decisions and choices for you, pretty fucked up, I know.
An open letter to anonymous,
First, just go fuck yourself. Or maybe I should be grateful like ignorant people like you. If not for one (very loud) one who angered me into defending Nic, becoming vulnerable in a crowd, my life would never have crossed paths with Nic, his AMAZING girlfriend (the only person I've ever met who loves Gus van Sant as much as I do), his dad, his aunts and uncles and probably the coolest grandparents I've ever met. I don't profess to be a close friend of Nic's, but I am his friend. I'm someone who he could actually contact if he needed to get away from prying eyes for a few days. So, let me let you in on a secret: Nic is a human being. He is not worried about fame, he knows it's fleeting. He's worried about surviving. I have 7 years sober and I'm worried about surviving. He's easily embarassed, kind, easily hurt, loving, and so frail my arm fits completly around his waist. I'll leave you with this, I know, first hand, that to his dad, his aunt, his grandparents, and even to me (and I matter not in the scheme of things), he is still a "beautiful boy", he is loved by and has intense love for his family. I'm glad you don't want children, because hate and judgement begets hate and judgement. Nic is an amazing son, and will one day be an amazing father. So, remember that he is only 26 and allow him the right we all had (in private) to figure out who the hell he is.
Well said Modern Magdalene!!!!!!
Marilu
Nic,
Do you think you will come to Houston, TX on your book tour?
very well put. i have felt that same way and thought similar thoughts. its a hard feeling to portray. good job.e
I think you are amazing!!! I am a recovering addict also. It sounds to me you are very insightful.
I always say the only way out is through.....sounds to me like your going through all the things you need to, to truly be in recovery and that is Awesome!!
Rita
modern magdalene since you seem to know him do you know what is happening with nic? is he doing alright? it is a shame he has not come back here but we can't really blame him I suppose
I would not be surprised if he just ends the blog but it would be cool if he would let people know or something
hi nic, um my name is dallas, im 16, and ive been in program for 2 years.im still struggling staying clean, and everyday it eats away at me. your book was truely inspiring in a way that i couldnt even begin to explain but it gives me the greatest sensation of hope. I ju8st wanted to say thank you...
nic, i'm glad you finally got to write like you wanted to, and made it through your addiction.
it takes someone really strong to do that, and i hope you know you're strong.
look; you've helped these kids through hard times, like you know yourself.
i never heard of your book, until i got it for christmas, turned out to be my favourite present.
i'm using your hope and detrmination to help myself through some of the struggles you also had, so i just wanted to thank you for writing the book and helping more people then you expected to.
(:
wow. that was absolutly amazing. it was so powerful. i wonder the same thing. what is love? no one knows until they find it.
kmc
This blog is so great, dude.
The complete truth.
Love is anything and everything you want it to be. Love is found in anything you find it in. You're the only person that can define love.
<3
You're amazing.
Evrything Yu sed Nic Iz tru but i agree with tha person above me love iz wuht yu wunt it 2 b in tha sense that iz kumz from yur heart ...
2 me Love ain't pain kuz god iz luv n'd god doesn't hurt ...
So wen yu argue or suffer n'd etc etc tha's not luv but pure misunderstanding n'd ignorance ...
There'z always a person that starts tha fight n'd if there weren'r 2 b n e nonsense tha world still wuld b interesting because we haven't live that world yet ...
loyalty/respect/peace/communication/honesty/passion/love ...
|*1|
Evrything Yu sed Nic Iz tru but i agree with tha person above me love iz wuht yu wunt it 2 b in tha sense that iz kumz from yur heart ...
2 me Love ain't pain kuz god iz luv n'd god doesn't hurt ...
So wen yu argue or suffer n'd etc etc tha's not luv but pure misunderstanding n'd ignorance ...
There'z always a person that starts tha fight n'd if there weren'r 2 b n e nonsense tha world still wuld b interesting because we haven't live that world yet ...
loyalty/respect/peace/communication/honesty/passion/love ...
|*1|
i liked this blogg the most. no one really knows what love is. we just all want it because its the closest we have to cinderella or snow white and their happy endings. im 16 years old and i know love aint a man who touches you when your four or when a man beats you till ur eleven. but its the closest i've ever came to love. i'm reading your book tweaked and it helps get me through alot knowing that by time the end come you got some sort of happiness we all have been waiting for. i like it and all the blogs your write. ur so outspoken not giving a damn what people say. you give a voice to some people. a voice that says stay strong and be you. thanks a lot your a true hero.
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