So, I don’t believe in God.
I’ve tried, you know, so fucking hard. I’ve prayed and meditated and gone to church and tried to find spirituality, but there are too many contradictions. If I start to think about it, even a little bit, it just makes no sense.
The one church I’ve found that I can sort of start connecting with is in San Francisco, actually—on Fillmore Street. In a little store front there with black stick on curtains is The African Orthodox Church of Saint John Coltrane. That’s John Coltrane, you know, the saxophone player. See, in the late fifties Coltrane overcame a debilitating heroin addiction and found God. His form of prayer, or meditation, or both was playing music—talking to God through his music. If you listen to his Impulse recordings, that’s basically all they are, solos crying out, screaming out and praising God and life and everything. So at the Coltrane church that’s what they do, talk to God through music. They play together and sing, “A Love Supreme.”
“A love supreme.
A love supreme.
A love supreme.”
The first time I went to the Church was on Easter back in high school. There were all these beautiful little children there who sang an Easter song and they all danced and played tambourines and it was amazing, you know? I mean, I felt so envious. I’d always wanted something like that to belong to. Something I could believe in so purely.
But, of course, I remained an outsider. My friend Max actually ended up playing drums for them. I just watched from the back couple rows.
I’ve searched for something to devote myself to, but I’ve never found it. I’m too fucking cynical to give myself over to anything.
Still, you know, I do believe in something. I mean, as contradictory as that sounds.
I have a friend, Russell, in Savannah. He’s from Alabama and went to the Citadel and served as a Ranger in the Army. His background’s about as different from mine as you could imagine, but he’s quickly become one of the people I respect and look up to most in this world.
Ron told me the other night, “Being a good Christian is having a lot of faith.”
Well, I don’t know about the whole Christian thing, but that idea of having a lot of faith, I can kinda dig that. I think I do have a lot of faith, or, well, I’ve acquired it. Not faith in God or anything, but just faith in life—that things’ll work out. They don’t always, but, still, I have this maybe absurd trust in the fact that I’m being taken care of somehow. And, you know, as long as I stay alive there’s always that hope now, isn’t there? It’s just a shift in perspective is all.
When I was probably eighteen or something, I took mushrooms with two of my friends and we went hiking along the ridge at the top of our hill in Point Reyes. The wind was blowing, blowing, blowing and there was the green grass and wildflowers swaying like wheat. Looking down we could see the ocean stretching out to the nearly transparent clouds covering the horizon. There was no one around.
We walked along the trail and then the drug started to take hold of me and I felt my breath catch and my body get cold. My mind was just going, going, going and I was kinda panicking—tripping out on all this negative shit. Suddenly I realized that I was starring at the ground. As I walked I wasn’t looking at anything but my feet hitting the trail in front of me. And so I tried to force myself to raise my head.
“Look up,” I said. “Look up.”
Then I was facing the sky and I saw it had turned dark and the stars were traced with neon, geometric patterns and it was beautiful, I mean, the whole goddamn world. I saw space and the fog creeping in. I saw myself standing on this planet—spinning, spinning, spinning. I looked up and that changed everything.
I still have to remember to do that. I’ll be walking my dog here in Hollywood and I’ll just be obsessing over all this crap. I mean, these fears and worries about everything.
But then I look up and I see the expanse of sky that is so impossible to understand and it will bring me back, to these little moments that make up my life—these little moments that remind me that I want to live. That it’s not worth giving this shit up by sticking a needle in my arm.
It's not fucking worth it.
Friday, October 3, 2008
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118 comments:
beautiful, thank you for this
This could possibly be my favorite so far.
Like I said before, Rilke suggested artists created God in an attempt to discover the divinity in humanity. You like Rilke, right? Anyway, the idea, I guess, was that Rilke realized we were afraid of our own capacity for divine thought and action because it's not easy, you have to work at it everyday, the divinity within us, personal responsibility, personal faith. We look for inspiration outside ourselves. Have faith in your writing. You're here because you have a voice. Even if only one person listens and benefits, it's worth it, you did your job, yeah. Have you ever read Etheridge Knight? I dig his poetry so much. If I have time, I'll message you my favorite via My Space. Hope you consider the MR contest. Also, do National Novel Writing Month with me and a bunch of other crazy writers. Should be fun! Keep writing. A
That was beautiful. i loved it.
And, i agree with the whole faith thing. i dont believe in some sort of got. But, i think your right. Its all about faith in life. Because some way, somehow ive made it this far out alive. And..things always do somehow get better...it just takes work.
Like you, I've struggled with Chritianity for my whole life. I can't say I truly believe in the Christian concept of God. (but it's a little scary worrying that you may get zapped because you couldn't make yourself believe.)
I guess I just eventually came to grasp a universal higher being that, like you, I sometimes can feel. One of those, the weather is perfect, you're salty from the beach, someone gives you a genuine smile and then you feel it. Just a belief that something else is there. But I don't think it is necessary to pin it down with a name. Words sometimes fail, I think.
Some things I study because they make me act better. Buddha, he makes me act a little nicer (he seems like such a lovely chubby fellow).
I think addiction in general is sometimes caused be the overwhelming fear that there is nothing more. I worry about my young son, because, only 9, he already has problems with phobias, which I think may be cognitive wiring that the world is out of our control and what if this is it?
So I try to help him and myself find the moments when we can feel like maybe this is enough (i.e salty skin, someone's hands through your hair).
Thanks, you're very good at making me reflect.
absolutely captivating. I loved it.
beautiful post today.
you gotta have faithhhhh
Nic,
Thanks for the reminder to "look up." Lots of stuff going on and I forget to do that sometimes, just get stuck in all the crap and time passes by..ugh.
Wow Nic that was absolutely beautiful! Keep the Faith!
Can't remember the author but you might try reading a book called "A Case for Christ" or another one called "A Case for Faith".
I hate that I can't remember the author, but he is/was a reporter for a major newspaper and set out to prove the inconsistancies of the Bible and Jesus Christ. Interesting read and results.
Loved the post, I will find the beauty of this gorgeous fall day back east! Thanks for the reminder Nic.
Another great blog... I do believe there is something out there. I dont see it as someone who sits on a cloud and punishes you when you do bad things.
To me it is this comfort and support I sometimes feel within me. I could be feeling so incredibly shitty and be despairing. Then, sometimes, out of nowhere, I feel this ´warmth´ around me, within me, comforting me.
I dont know what it is or what it means but it is obviously there and it gives me strength.
And I am sure you didnt care about my little ramble up here but this is all about sharing right ;o)
Seriously though. The more I read from you, and read between the lines, the more I am convinced you are a great person with a really great gift. I only wish good things for you and your loved ones.
Nic, the way you described how you felt about God, and then how you do have faith that you have faith in life, is EXACTLY how I feel. I was actually trying to explain this to my Mom the other day... I'm glad I am not the only one who feels this way!!
Keep it up...this was probably my favorite post so far!
-Peace!
thats awesome. looking up can be a trippy experience in itself. Ever notice how fucking fake clouds always seem to look? like they just shouldn't be there or something? maybe that's just me but yeh.
keep well nic and good luck on your book tour. i assume you won't be posting while your on tour with the busy schedule and all?
Great post. I love that you always write with such honesty. I really admire your ability to be so candid.
My husband is agnostic. He believes that there is some kind of higher power out there, but doesn't pretend to have any understanding of what it is. I was raised Christian and still consider myself so, but it can be hard at times to remain faithful when there are so many things that just don't add up. It's so easy as a kid to just believe in whatever is thrown at you. As an educated adult, you start asking questions and coming up short on answers.
I choose to take the leap away from logic and just believe, so I still call myself a Christian. But, I am strong enough to admit that I have doubts. Maybe Jesus is the son of God. Maybe Jesus was a delusional schizophrenic who managed to brainwash tons of Jews. (This is my husbands belief)
But, I do know one thing for sure... This world is so intricate and beautiful that there is NO WAY that there is not some kind of God or force that created it. It's just too complicated and amazing to be something of chance. My faith in that alone is enough to sustain me and keep me on the right path.
-C
Anon:
"Maybe Jesus was a delusional schizophrenic who managed to brainwash tons of Jews."
I have had that thought myself.
The thing about God is it is so much more simple than we think it can be. All God expects is we have faith our expectations of what He being God expects gets in the way of truly believing. The bible says if you seek me you will find me. Do you seek or do you just have the expectations of who God is and what He wants. Keep it simple it is so much easier. I guess in my simpleness I have been able to not think beyond the confusing and rest in my faith that God is.... I guess the saying ignorance is bliss has some merit. As someone who believes in God and who has experienced Him I will pray for you.
So God Bless
i just loved this, today everyone on this blog seems a little more peaceful. i like reading intelligent comments as apposed to the comments left on the last blog entry.
nic youve become our fix.
I think you're a very talented writer and wish you only the best. I think this was a great post.
I'm a Christian, but I completely understand your and many other people's feelings. My relationship with God grows everyday. I don't know Bible verses off the top of my head or think I'm better than anyone else because of my beliefs. But what I do know is that I feel Him, and I see the changes He has made in me in my life every day. Never underestimate the power of prayer. I won't go into detail, but I know I wouldn't have been able to overcome some of my personal lows and hardest trials and tribulations without His intervention.
Bottom line, until you feel Him I think it is hard to take things at face value. But when you feel it and see it – you'll know. Of course there are times that I question why, or I don't understand things that happen, but like you said, I've gotta have Faith. I think Faith is a great way to describe it, but another word I use is Grace. I'm so thankful for God's Grace.
oh great, jesus freaks.
*sigh*
nic, i thought you were jewish. have you ever identified with judaism?
When I speak to friends that claim they don't believe in Gd, or a higher power, I just think how can you not? Just go outside and look at the sky.
Look at the human body, how everything works.
Take a biology class, it is truely fascinating. internally and externally, humans, animals, all too perfect. I mean, think of how a baby is born, just too bizarre to just happen without a type of "Gd"
Just my opinion, I definitely believe, I mean, there has to be something.
*little laugh*
There is some saying to the effect of "There are many paths to the top of the mountain."
I think many of us chose a path that has no name, no formal worship, but is a path just the same.
Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful.
I used to question everything about God, but due to some events in my life I just had to stop questioning and start believing. I NEEDED to believe. Shortly after I got sober the way I believed changed. I threw out all the 'christian' examples and beliefs for my own conception. Now I focus on the love and grace, not the judging. It works for me. I'm just happy that something is working for you.
A couple of weeks ago I was reading your book and the craving to use overwhelmed me. I mean that is fucked up, to be reading about how it was destroying your life and then me living in the fucked up relapse fantasy in my head. None of it was based in my reality, because despite my reality not being the one I would have chosen or created for myself, it is so much better than using was. I have so much to lose now and yet, at times, the thought does cross my mind. In these moments I truly believe it is my faith that keeps me from acting on the thoughts.
Sonnet 141: In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes by William Shakespeare
In faith, I do not love thee with mine eyes,
For they in thee a thousand errors note;
But 'tis my heart that loves what they despise,
Who in despite of view is pleased to dote.
Nor are mine cars with thy tongue's tune delighted,
Nor tender feeling to base touches prone,
Nor taste, nor smell, desire to be invited
To any sensual feast with thee alone;
But my five wits, nor my five senses can
Dissuade one foolish heart from serving thee,
Who leaves unswayed the likeness of a man,
Thy proud heart's slave and vassal wretch to be.
Only my plague thus far I count my gain,
That she that makes me sin awards me pain.
hey. nic.
this subject of god or supreme being or even….are we alone in these universes….is so mind boggling. it’s so hard to wrap your mind around what you cannot see.
I do believe we are not alone in all the infinite miles of space.
I do believe there is something out there greater than this little planet with its little people.
I don’t know what. How does anyone really know?
I always wonder how people, who are so convinced that THERE IS a God, know this.
How do they know without a doubt that there is a “God” and that all the other surrounding stories are true?
small side laugh: when my so was about 9 years old he was very puzzled by the question of how the world populated. I told him to ask his religion teacher. His question was: If Adam and Eve were they only people on Earth at first. And according to the bible they had two sons, Cain and Abel. Then wouldn’t Cain or Abel have had to have sex with Eve, their mother, in order to make more people?
needless to say she didn’t have an answer for him.
But, what I do get is the community thing, the joining together with other people. That part of the church thing I get. The doing good deeds and helping people in need part. The family time once a week spent in the company of other families. I get that part.
And when I look up into the nighttime sky and it’s filled with stars and it seems to go on and on….well, it does go on and on and on. Well, I guess that’s when I feel more certain than ever that there is SOmEThiNG. Something.
And, as you described the stars, nic, and how you saw yourself on the planet, spinning. That’s a good way to remember how really insignificant we really are. And how there just Has to be something more…cause look at THOSE stars.
Really thought provoking essay today nic. And I’m glad you’re choosing to look up rather down. down is such a……well, downer.
Have a good book signing tour. Hope you can post sometime during it.
Peace and integrity.
When I read you book I couldn't believe it was over and was sad I wouldn't be able to hear more from you but now there is this.
I love reading your blogs.
I am kind of struggling with the whole concept of God, Im only 18 right now so maybe I'm just going through a phase but I think I should be able to do what I want and not be forced to go to churh or believe in something if it doesn't make me feel good. I have been thinking a lot about it recently and actaully haven't really told anyone what I've been thinking because I don't want them to look at my differently because SO many people have faith in God and their church so I just keep my mouth shut.
Thats the reason I am anonymous, I highly doubt someone would find me on here but I just don't feel like deeling with people.
You always have lots of comments, thats awesome so many people know about your site and I'm sure many more read it and don't comment but keep up the good work.
Thats right its not worth it, cause every fucking second you spend doing that shit will come back to you in the end, and it never last in the first place, so why wast your life? I know I spend entirely to musch time stuck in my head, and I realize that their are other things I could be doing to truly enjoy life rather then obsess over the things I think I can't do. I spent the night at a friends grandma's house the other day, and it was only the third time I had really talked with her,I used to play with her when we were really little,she had lived in the same apartment buildings as us. Anyhow, she moved back closer to the area recently, and while eating dinner(pizza) with her and her grandmother, she launched into an account of an argument she had gotten into with a friend at school. This friend was going off on her about rollercoasters, and evil she thought they were,and my friend was asking her,well have you ever been on one and she said no,so how would she know whether she liked them or not,asked my friend etc. etc. To make a long story short cause I gotta run, the conversation somehow jumped to religion and how this girl was saying my friend is not a true Christian because she got her lip pierced. The point is that my freind feels she is right with god and who was this girl to tell her she was not. I have always had trouble speaking my mind,so as you can imagine I felt my self becoming annoyingly jelous as I watched her explain her conversation as passionately as a preacher trying to convert godless peoples. Well, Nic, I really can't tell you how to find God cause I beleive that is a personal experience, nobody can give it to you,you need to find it yourself.Somehow I have always had this faith, that can at times be very creepy, but absolutely awsome at the same time. I have always felt that their was a higher power out there somewhere, and I konw inside that I am right. It's really quite simple,but everyone seems to become distracted by the pulls of society, and they look towards the wrong things. By blood I am Jewish, though I have never been to temple I would like to,and my mom was never formally trained either thought she would have liked to be. I do not know......organized religions have certain resenments for me. I'm glad there is a place comfortable for you to go Nic.Hope you are otherwise well.Love,Sasha
ASK AND YOU SHALL RECIEVE.
Wow.. Thank you for somehow calming everyone down.
That was really a beautiful post. And it was interesting to hear you think on this. But what stuck out for me the most was when you said that you had faith in the fact that "I'm being taken care of somehow - that's good enough for now."
And I think that's such an incredible start. Just keep looking up and wondering, with a clear and open mind and heart and eventually I think you'll find it. I know you will. Or even more possibly, it will find you. Whatever it is.
Baby steps.
NIC-
I really do feel that yes, after reading your book I must agree that someone is watching over you. You are living proof that there is someone higher!!!! SERIOUSLY... so many more examples than I've ever even heard of. It is really what has helped me to try and have some sort of faith in something. Someone helped you out alot man... alot. Don't forget that shit. You're pretty lucky.
"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire (1694-1778)
Beautiful Nic...you make so much sense to me...its just wierd. And so other than that i just wanted to share with you...
Your blog today reminded me of this show I watched a little while ago. It was like 20/20 or some shit like that. This woman was diagnosed with a terminal illness and given like 2 years or something to live and was having a really hard time dealing with it and became deeply depressed and whatever. So she went to this study being done to test a new form of therapy for people things like this happen to. Basically she went into this room and was monitored but alone and they gave her mushrooms or however the hell you spell the drug in them that makes you trip and she stayed in there for awhile and who knows exactly what happened but she basicaly came out and was ok...had an acceptance of everything. It was kinda cool. I dont know just thought I'd share. Have a fabulous weekend!!
Kristyn
Yes, I am a Jesus Freak, Holy Roller or whatever names you choose to call me. "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Jesus Christ" Romans 1:16
I honestly don't remember NOT believing in God. He spared my life when I was 4 with a death sentence of spinal cancer. My God is an awesome God. I have even recently received a healing from all the back pain I have had for a number of years.
The only thing I can think to tell you is that faith grows as you allow it. To me God has given everyone a portion of faith. When you trust Him and give Him that little handful of faith back to Him He will replace it with a little bit bigger handful each time. I am not going to argue here and try to convince you about God I can only witness from my own life and God is my life.
It was truly great that this blog is so much lighter and happier than when you first started. I can see you have come a long way in a very short time. Keep looking up!
your a great writer, nic. i really admire your work. and it's nice the blogs have been more positive lately.
i thought i'd share the reasons i've never done drugs, for whatever the reason. well, i guess it's because you've shared so many of your reasons as to why you have done drugs. i definitely struggle with some of the same issue that you've talked about. but i have this thing where i absolutely have to be in control of myself. well, as much as i possibly can be. there's not much in this world we can control. so, for me, by staying away from drugs, and even alcohol for that matter, i find myself a little more in control. at least i can be in control of myself this way and not be numb to things. i feel like i'm free to take in all of life.
with that being said, of course i don't hold the drug use against you. everyone handles the weight of the world differently.
ps - i hope you find God someday. actually, i hope that for everyone. He loves you.
you're *
i have this other thing where i hate spelling and grammar mistakes.
Right on. I like that one.
Towards the end of your blog I got a vision from that movie Basquiat. When he's riding his bike through the city, and he points his face to the sky in the wind, and there's waves superimposed into the sky. It's a beautiful expression of that feeling you were describing.
Keep looking up man. Keep feeling that feeling. It's gotta be what your HP wants you to feel.
Enjoy!
I spent the day kayaking and picknicking at "Baby Butt Beach" named so because the sand is so fine and soft like that of a baby's butt. The water is such a blue/turquoise here, it's so pure and fresh. I took a moment to be grateful for being in that place today. Just looking out at miles and miles of that beautiful water and sky. It's amazing, u know?
Oh yeah, you will find your HP some day. It/he/she's already found you!
hey nic
i just finished your dad's book..
what a fight man, truly inspiring!
i'm 26 too. was born in brazil, but moved to north america when i was 17. i had my time with all the drugs too, but never really lost control.
i just wanted to share this thing i experienced in the beginning of the year..
it was february and i hit the lowest i have ever hit; wishing i would go to sleep and never woke up, hoping that the whole 2012 shit was real and came sooner.
my mother and sister got back from a trip to india and told me about this VIPASSANA meditation thing; it's a 10-day course, taught all over the world.
the story is that it was the technique the buddha used to achieve enlightenment. it is different than other types of mediation as it doesn't ask for visualization or mantras; it is pure, mere self-observation. first you spend time observing your breath. then, the sensations within the framework of your body.
you spend 10 days in silence. no speaking to, no touching and preferibly no looking at anybody else. no writing, no music, no physical exercise; everything is to be observed internally.
shit man, it was the hardest thing i have ever done. my mind was so busy at the time.. i had so many intense visions with the lsd melting out of my brain. one day i had this absolute blackness during many many breaths and i know for sure it was the ketamine leaving my brain. and the physical pain too, shit!!
but then man, on the 6th or 7th day, it happened. transcendence. i managed to bring my mind to absolute stillness, and i got in touch with something eternal. the process makes you understand - not at the superficial, intellectual level - with actual experience, that the physical reality is this ever changing flow, and the moment you rationalize a sensation, you wish it went away or you wish it stayed longer, this reaction, this attachment creates pain.
i took long breaths in freedom man, there was no pause between my inhalation and exhalation, it was all one. i felt liberation, i had transcended the laws of physics and gotten in harmony with this eternal life force which sustains and animates all existence.
i've always been interested in surrealism and metaphysics and after that damn experience, everything made sense; again, through actual experience.
.. and then i came back to the city; i live in Toronto nowadays. it was absurd to think that level of awareness would last you know. but it did last strongly for a while. i felt like jesus christ man, pure love, not one moment was better than the other, i didn't prefer one activity more than another. playing sports i felt like neo from the matrix. while everyone around me moved at this frenetic speed, with busy minds, alienated in their own subjectivity, i felt this super awareness, more alive than ever, with my intellect really working its potential. it's tough to put it in words man!
it's been 8 months and i try to sit for 45 minutes every day. i don't go as deep and all this ugly city greyness and vanities all around still get to me. but it would be boring if it was that simple.
here's a website about the meditation:
http://www.dhamma.org/
this book, "The Yoga Sutras" by Patanjali, is pretty amazing too, even if it's still only theoretical.
and here's my email address, it'd be great to communicate:
guicarvalho1@hotmail.com
all the best man!, may all of us find peace of mind
gui
Seriously i don't understand what everyones big problem is with God? Especially YOURS Nic Sheff! From what i understand in all of your blogs you don't have anything to lose by really trying to give yourself over to God/Jesus/Holy Spirit. Hey if it REALLY does nothing you can write it and start your own religion, i mean you kind of already have......
I think the problem with Christianity is not in God or Jesus, but in the followers' interpretation of the Bible. My major was Religious Studies and my concentration was Ancient Christianity. The Bible is a confusing book but it's important to read it as it was intended - to put oneself in the mindset of a 1st century Jew or Gentile - not as a 21st century young adult. I think you will find if you do so, the contradictions seem less important. I have such a warped view of Christianity but my version derives from the book of John. Did you know that in John, Jesus never condemns anyone? In fact, he only preaches a life of love and to love others as he loved us (unconditionally). To me, that means all the bickering about what's a sin or not irrelevant. Jesus did not accept the sin, but he willingly accepted the sinner and so many fundamental and evangelical Christians are so quick to condemn the sinner. It's sad.
I think you do have to experience God in order to believe, and sometimes it's in a sunset or in the smile of a human being when we're on the ground, lost, scared, and dying. But because we don't perceive it to be 'God' since it's not the guy on the white cloud, people miss it. I do believe in God, but I'm sure some Christian in small-town, middle America would say my God and Jesus isn't right...but who cares? My soul won't be judged by them, and if heaven is filled with righteous holy-roller's like that, I'm not sure I would want to spend an eternity with them.
Thanks for continuing to write. I really enjoy reading what you have to say; it makes me think.
"Faith" IMO means finding a story that works for you. In the memoir "Here if you need me" Kate Braestrup, claims that the Greek word "Logos" can also be translated as "story." So she, who considers herself an agnostic, believes "in the beginning was the story, and the story was God." Find the right story and the faith will follow.
Jerry
Memory Writers Network
WOW! that was absolutely beautiful.
keep faith, please do :]
after a series of really bad events in my life the last few years i started to not believe. stoppped praying, just figured i wasted my entire life believeing in something that simply couldn't exist.
this summer though, i reluctantly went backpacking through northern thailand with a friend, and it simply was, the most amazing expierience ever. it was kind of like stopping, to look at the sky, or stopping to "smell the roses". remembering to appreciate the little things in life we take for granted. i came home with faith in myself, which is something i didn't have for a long, long time. and i realized that having faith in oneself is more important than anything else. and that is now the only thing i hope for everyday, to keep that faith that i can do this. life that is. it takes moments like that to keep a person real i think. nothing else matters. organized religion is no longer a part of my life, but, i do the best i can to believe in me.
I think there are some beautiful comments from so many people on here. Sure internet can be weird or scary or whatever but when you get such pure responses like the ones on this page, I really feel some kind of connection and compassion for everyone who shows their vulnerability like this
Whether I agree with their beliefs or not doesnt mather, I just find it beautiful when people open up like this and show themselves.
Just had to share that.
so many interesting points of view. so much to think about. i truly am enjoying reading all of these comments! and thanks to [gui?] for the book and website info. i have always 'dabbled' in yoga/meditation. I would like to learn more.
so thanks.
to everyone.
and to nic for getting this great discussion started!
Thank you. I needed to read this right now.
I've been in such a shitty spot for the past like, week or so, and I can't get out of it.
But I've gotta look up.
i'm so glad you believe enough in yourself to know you're worth so much more than meth.
everything you write is so beautiful and inspiring, thank you for opening up and sharing your thoughts with readers.
Everybody has to have faith. To live without faith is really not living at all. Its a matter of just existing. So what is the point? I'm not really sure what or who my faith is in these days. Perhaps myself or some higher power I'm not aware of. Something I have not pinpointed and probably never will be able to name or fully recognize or understand. I just know faith is what has kept me alive. Those days, nights when things seemed liked there was no point in going on much longer some sort of stronger force kept me from taking the "plunge." Most likely it was my own inner strength. Anyways, I like to think that was my faith somehow saying, "fuck it get through these next 5 minutes and then the next and the next and then finally this storm will pass. Faith I guess!
As far as the whole God thing goes... I don't know about that one anymore. Lately I feel like he took a giant shit on my older brother and it hurts me to the core. Something about finding out your big brother was molested by one of the Catechism's entrusted holier than thou priests really makes you wonder. What kind of fucking God allows such evil to happen in this world? Adults chose their actions. A child to have their innocence stolen from them is just one of the many unspeakable horrors that takes place in this world every minute! So if this is this GOD everybody speaks of I say keep your GOD. I'll stick to my faith in my unknown!!
I was just reading a new interview online with your dad and I saw this bit:
Q: Where is Nic now?
A: Nic relapsed. He was sober for two years. Then 3 1/2 months ago he relapsed and he caught it very quickly. It's terrifying. It's heartbreaking. He went into another treatment program. He's in an outpatient program now and living in LA and writing a lot.
I didnt know you relapsed but it says you caught it very quickly so that means you are ok again? I definitely hope you are. I wish you the best and hope you are well that is all I can say to you. Take care of yourself!
In a way it must be so weird for you that people ´know´ you now. I mean, the world knows you are an addict and they watch you, want to know if you are still sober. And then also your dad naturally gets asked about it and he seems pretty honest too about the whole thing (not sure how you feel about him sharing things like that? for instance that last relapse)
Does it help you that people are sort of checking on you, or does it make it harder? The feeling you have to make sure you walk the line and dont slip cos then everyone would know?
I was just wondering that, you dont have to answer if you dont feel like it ofcourse
Time. It never stops. Is always moving forward. We never know what it's up to.
what's a "trane"?
You are absolutely my one and only hero. I don't know how you do it...you've been through hell and back and somehow you can still function, not to mention write a whole book about it. I'm reading your dad's book now and I'm actually doing an independent reading project on it, and i'm reading yours next. I've read every article on the internet about you and you are a phenomenal human being. I also pray for you as much as I can, I know how you say you dont believe in God or whatnot but I believe in him and have strong faith in him as my savior, and He loves you and is working in your life. I hope to meet you one day.
hold on, hold on.
much love, taylor.
One of the comments mentioned "Case for Christ" - the author is Lee Strobel. He was a journalist who didn't believe in God. His wife became a born again believer and he set out to use his journalistic skills and contacts to prove his wife wrong - to show that her beliefs were absurd. You also may enjoy "Mere Christianity" by C.S. Lewis - very logical and pretty brilliant by most people's standards, Christian and non-Christian alike. Faith is a good thing - I think your faith that everything will work out comes from somewhere... look into it.
Finally, what are the contradictions you are speaking of?
Shalom -
Absolutely amazing Nic.
I love it.
dfghdfhdfhdf
nicholas, can you tell us a story?
Hey favorite (ok, only) long distance little brother. I haven't been on in awhile and I've really missed your words. I'm happy to know that you're still writing & trying to work this stuff out. You inspire me to 'put the crazy on the paper and stop taking it into the world' with me. (Really wish I could say I came up with that, but I can't remember where I heard it.) Anyway, I've started journaling for self-therapy, and also trying to use it to track my moods for my psych. Wish me luck & keep us all posted. I love you in a way that only a sick stranger could and I keep you in my thoughts during my own struggles. Hold on. It's gonna be alright. I don't know how or when, but I promise, it will.
hey..i just watched the movie Donnie Darko. and well you being a movie buff and all i was wondering if you've seen it or what you thought of it. it relates to the whole higher power in a sort of fucked up way but all in all its a pretty good movie.
I think that you have found God and don't realize it. I also have a hard time with the tradional idea of God being contradictory and not making any sense. I have come to this opinion, God is not a person that existed but energy as we are. God is the beginning and the end God is the ocean, the stars, the sky, the space, the trees, the grass, the EVERYTHING.
I think id like to check out the coltrane church on fillmore. that actaully sounds amazing. i hate all this god talk. sorry, but i do...but this, this sounds so uncontradictory and like a safe, calming place to just really connect and mediate and be set free from all the bible thumping shit that goes along with most churches.
...also, i was thinking about it, maybe im fucked up but, you always say how you were so afraid of feeling your feelings that you wanted to run to a drug. for me, i know my feelings. i am so intuned with how i feel and how every minute detail of the world tears at my sinews and synapses. ive always been like this, since i was a little kid. terrified of the world bc i knew i felt too much, more than most people, and everything seemed far too much to handle. it was like i knew at any moment something terrible would happen. i couldnt fathom how i would ever get through this life. my point is, for me, its not that im afraid of the feelings. its more like i know the feelings and i want to run to anything so that i can just, if even only for a moment, stop feeling...
but, of course, it never really works...until im in that blackout stage. but...even then im feeling alone regardless of all my friends surrounding me and im knowing its not enough bc yet, i still dont want to feel a thing
I guess the book tour means there will be some interviews? Cool cos in interviews you will have to answer when they ask a question, unlike on this blog where you can just ignore them or pretend you did not see it haha
Just kidding but still, looking forward to some new articles and stuff.
ava...that was funny, but somewhat true.
I believe in God. How can't I? I just have to look at a baby. Things as beautiful as that couldn't possibly just "happen." But still, I often keep finding myself in the same search mode as you are sometimes. So why is that?
Just start with starting I guess. Hold on. And Keep on. Believe in something. Anything. The rest will come. You'll see. We'll all see.
we want more, we want maor
I think he is gone for a week on book tour so he might not have time to write or update I suppose
Hey Nic good luck on the book tour!
I bet that he writes while on his booktour.
Stop being so stubborn.
Be honest with yourself. Don't let your mind bullshit you. Can you honestly say you've asked God to come into your heart and be a part of your life?
If not, there's your answer.
You can do all the "searching" in the world. You can search until you're dead. Maybe you shouldn't question him so much.
He put your here, right?
He created air, water, birds, trees, YOU... you think he can't help you with your problems?
HA!
It's hard as hell to put all of your love and trust into someone through faith alone.
It puts you in the most vulnerable position.
But as you've been saying lately- that's where you like to be right?
You like to be vulnerable, and feel emotions to the upmost depths.
So why not with God?
All you have to do is ask him...
God is the perfect gentleman. He will not bother you unless you seek him.
I speak like I know him personally, right? The amazing thing is, I do.
It hasn't always been that way.
Be selfless. Be vulnerable. Be terrified. Be unsure.
But trust all of it.
Be genuine.
All you have to do is ask him.
And mean it.
Confirmed events
Monday, October 06, 7:00 PM
OASIS at Macy's: "The Apache Insurgency"
6600 Menaul NE, Albuquerque, NM 87111
More info | Email to a friend
Tuesday, October 07, 7:00 PM
B&N pj party
5130 E. Broadway, Tucson, AZ
More info | Email to a friend
Wednesday, October 08, 7:00 PM
Barnes & Noble Booksellers - Desert Ridge
21001 N. Tatum Blvd. Suite 42, Phoenix, AZ 85050
More info | Email to a friend
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Sounds like he is going to be busy this week. I really miss the interactive part of the blog, where he would comment back.
Yeah I miss his comments too!
Nic, where are you? It's been three days!! I'm having withdrawls already, I need to read what you did for everyday of every month! Na ,I'm only joking, I hope your having fun living life, but part of me does want to get all parental when haven't posted anything new lately. I don't know if you read what I said last time about my friend, but their is something I whould like to add. When giving reasons why she got her lip peirced, she was taliking about wanting to experience all aspects of life, be it riding roller coasters of getting something newly pierced, and she explaned that this was because she did not wait till she was to old to do things, and then live with the regret of not living her life in the fullest possible manner she wuold have liked to. Though I admire these morals I know that because of society and our culture today, that some kids take this a bit too seriously, as I'm sure you know. Anyway, Obviously that is the problem with this ideal cause not everyone responds the same way to ceratin things, and If the just gotta do it , that one time could very well be their last. It's very hard for me to stray away from these morbid thoughts and just freely take part in whatever my peers might be upto. Which is most likely why I stay away from them, and would rather immerse myself in the whatever book I am curently reading. Well, don't so anything I wouldn't do, but have fun!! Huh? Exacty. Love, S
I read Tweak a few months ago. This is the first blog I've read, just got an impulse to look you up actually. It's just as good as the book. Damn, i mean I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. You remind me so much of myself. Well, your mind.
I don't believe in god. Half my family is catholic, or at least just christian. I believed in god when I was little. I prayed with grandmother in bed at night. I said "God Please Help Me" when my parents fought viciously late at night Now, no chance in hell would you ever find me in a church. I guess the child inside me that was let down by the almighty figure resents the idea in its entirity. The minute any mention of god takes place I can feel the disgust on my face. Although I do not hold anything against anyone who is religious, I do not judge them, there is still a part of me that feels... almost above them. Like I know something they don't. Maybe sometimes I'm jealous. Maybe my life would be easier if I had something to believe in. But I dont have none of that.
I just have myself.
P.S.
You are truly amazing.
It will be the hardest battle of your life plus many others... But you can't give up. If you can't do it, how can someone like me?
"That it’s not worth giving this shit up by sticking a needle in my arm.
It's not fucking worth it."
that's an amazing point to be at.
If you are such a literary genius then please explain...What the hell is a trane????
Can't answer the trane question.... sorry dude/dudette!
But I just gotta say.... aparently I am a Nic junky.... I totally miss having a new post today. I also miss his comments in between posts. Damn am I selfish or what?
Do you reckon the new girl has anything to do with it? I know he is on a book tour now, so I guess we will all have to be patient!
WE MISS YOU NIC, HURRY BACK!
he either meant train, or tranny
Ummmm. how about John ColTRANE???
I googled, the risen trane, and found a lot of religious mumbo jumbo
The ascension of St. John Coltrane into one-ness with God is what we refer to as THE RISEN TRANE. In dealing with the Saint, John Coltrane, we are not dealing with St. John the man but St. John the sound and St. John the Evangelist and Sound Baptist, who attained union with God through sound. From the standpoint of the biography of John Coltrane, the Risen Trane is the post 1957 John Coltrane. He who emerged from drug addiction onto a path of spiritual awakening and who gave testimony of the power and empowerment of grace of God in his life and in his Psalm on A Love Supreme, and in his music thereafter. (“At that time, in gratitude, I humbly asked to be given the means and privilege to make others happy through music. I feel this has been granted through His grace. ALL PRAISE TO GOD.”) We, too, having been touched by this anointed sound and being called and chosen by the Holy Ghost, endeavor to carry the holy ambition and mantle of sound baptism of St. John Coltrane.
Good call on the John Coltrane
now I'm starting to think that Nic has a lot of "codes" in his words.
Even his titles are creative. Maybe that's why it takes him so long to post more, because he is sitting there making codes trying to think of perfect titles.
Nah.... My guess is it is just part of his genious. It just comes to him....
I usually read the blogs a couple of times. I get something different out of it each time. He is definitely a brilliant writer.
AMEN......hehehe
Rachel...
With the most respect possible, I completely disagree.
I think if you belive in god, you should believe we're all equal, no one is better than anyone else.
Christians are not better than muslims who are no better than atheists, we're all human and we're all sharing the same air, we're sharing most of the same values.
Religious values aside, of course.
We don't need to believe in God to be good people, We need to be consiensious of ourselves nd our actions and we need to creat and hold to moral values, the same as anyone who believes.
Just because we may not believe in an after life does not mean we think we can do whatever we want, and hurt whomever while we're here.
Good people are good people, regardless of their beliefs. Good people are not just christians, they're any and every religion/atheist.
Just as Bad people can transend through anything...
There can be bad people who are christian, jewish, hindu... atheist.
As Eric Victorino says...
"We're all atheists when it comes to nine out of ten gods... If you expect me to respect your faith, you have to respect my lack of it."
ps great blog nic :)
yes you do rachel smachel
not to be mean...but i pretty much thought what rachel had to say was ignorant and absolutely rediculous. she only made me have even less respect for you jesus freaks. but, hey, what do i know...im just a non christian evil doer.
I didnt get the oppertunity to see what rachel's reply was...and though it seems to have offended, let's remember ths blog is not about going against one another, right?
I am reading tweak right now and i think it is an amazing story. i would like to ask you some questions. how can i get in touch with you?
Spell check!
ok so I just had this really scary experience...My girls (4 and 5) and I were walking to there school last week and I happen to look down and I see it. A syringe with a rubber like top. My heart started beating and my mind began to race, WTF, what do I do, or who do I call? My first instinct was to kick it in the street, which is what I did. I live in a nice neighborhood! My 5 year old saw it and try to pick it up, because she knew it didn't belong near our house. So then I had to explain why we don't pick up needles from the ground. I mean I taught my kids about strangers, wild aniamals and bullies but never a needle.
I would like to say thank you to everyone who decides not to shoot up and dispose the paraphanalia (can't spell) where it could hurt others.
a very skitish
Kitty
Kitty,
That is scary. I have young nieces and nephews and my dad has to give himself shots. He left used syringe down once when they were there, so used it as an educational thing. Rather there, than on the streets. Also, the stranger thing as scary as it is, it is usually someone they know and trust that is the one that will abuse them (sexually). Our local police department has colorbooks, etc. on both drugs and sexual abuse for kids and I've given them both to my sister.
Yes- I am on a book tour, and yes I did relapse. As for you that this I, Me; would actually email you??? PULLEASE! I do not know you or want to have your baby, or want to be your friend. You are going through withdrawls from my writing?? You have obviously never been through real withdrawls. I had to see my dick to get away from those. I stole from family, screwed everyone I love and you think you have problems...nigga please.
Yes- I am on a book tour, and yes I did relapse. As for you that this I, Me; would actually email you??? PULLEASE! I do not know you or want to have your baby, or want to be your friend. You are going through withdrawls from my writing?? You have obviously never been through real withdrawls. I had to see my dick to get away from those. I stole from family, screwed everyone I love and you think you have problems...nigga please.
Riiggghhhhtttttt.
wow you guys have sunken low enough to fake being Nic?
grow up.
hahaha I think it's clever, and quite funny. It is so obviously not Nic.
The writing is SO not nic's style.
Plus the name isn't in blue.
PS LOL@spellcheck KC
Nic, haha... you double posted. But it's really easy to delete one... or both. Just look for that little trash can thingy down on the lower left side of the post... Or maybe it's in a different place on the admin screen.
Hope your book tour is going well and that you're having a really great time with your dad. I can imagine this must mean a lot to him.
lmao people this was obviously NOT Nic posting... this was an anonymous who just typed in ´nic sheff´
If it were him he would be logged on and the name would appear in blue. Just saying. Dont be fooled by crazy internet peeps!
hola nic!
post today? hope so.
this blog has become like a chapter book to me that i can't put down.
and i, too, hope you're having a very nice time with your dad on the book tour. i know whenever i get to spend a couple of days with either my son or daughter how special and fun it always is.
later.peace.
Sinking low here having people pretend they are Nic... bit sad and pathetic if you ask me!
oops
Disregard those statements from an imposter.
Anyways, so uh I don't believe in book tours.
I mean, uh, so, they are a bunch of stalkers that
come and meditate in front of
me.
The book tour reminds me of the ocean
waves, hitting against the
rocks. I used to love to surf.
You are so not Nic Sheff. Your an
idiot get a life.
old women such as sandy should not being saying "hola"
unless you walk the streets.
Will the real Nic Sheff please stand up?
Play nice children!
Great post, Nic. I have been trying to write lately and completely sucking at it. It's hard!!!!!!!!!!!!! I already loved your writing but now that love has a new appreciation dimension.
You rock!
took my dog out for a walk tonite.
does that count?
la paz.
Nic,
I sincerely hope you are ok. It's been awhile since you have written, and I just recently read your and your father's books. With your last post about your friend, it's troubling to not hear of how you are fairing. Please fill us in. Your writing is inspiring. Please continue.
Nic-
Don't you think the problem might not be a lack of faith but a lack of reason. The drugs alter your mind making you less reasonable, in turn hurting those you love, etc.
I'm with you... Religion doesn't make any sense. Given that you've come to this conclusion I don't think it is going to help you recovery by trying to ignore reason in search of faith. It might work for some but given your desire to think things through logically, faith might be a deadend road.
I don't personally believe that you have to believe in God. I think that you believe in yourself and that if you have enough strength and power to withhold yourself, you are set. To have faith in life is to have faith in yourself. The only thing that matters is if you trust yourself. Sometimes i believe that people that can't face the scary things in life can't have much faith. you have to experience the good to experience the bad too!
This will probably never be read by Nic since I am reading his blog tonight and realized he has quit writing back in Nov 2008.
I am so drawn to Beautiful Boy and Tweak. I dont connect on the addict of drugs and alochol, thank goodness I have never tried drugs and can control my alcohol intake, but I think what gets my attention is my thoughts on my own kids being sucked in by this disease. I am 29, married, with 3 kids under the age of 5.
One common theme by both Nic and his Dad that stuck out to me was their search for a faith in a higher being, or what I call a faith in Jesus Christ.
Nic discusses the discrepancies with the Christian faith, and I would love to address those with him.
He is so close to a complete relationship with a heavenly father, Jesus Christ. The words he uses and the thoughts he has are of someone really wanting to latch onto.
I pray that the Lord would put someone in his life that would speak the truth of who Jesus is, and not just about a "God" that can fix his problems. Jesus wants a relationship with us, he is not someone just to fix problems to fix problems.
Nic or anyone else..if you are reading this...shoot me an email at kylemallen@hotmail.com. I would love to lay out the foundations of Christianity in a very simple way and answer any questions you have.
Wow! Every thing you've written is unbelievable. It's so cool that it all makes sense to me. I didn't know that someone out there feels and thinks the way I do. It feels very reassuring I am not the only one that thinks the way you and I do. Someone out there on this damn planet is like me and thinks like me, acts and reacts like me. I did not know that actually existed. I feel much better about me now. We are both cancers and look male/female or atleast have their traits. Cool... I love it !
Nic,
Your story is really amazing. You really have something special inside of you. I love the way you are willing to wear your feelings on your sleeve, it takes a special person to be able to do that. A book that I read recently really helped me to come to an idea about God and about faith that I was about to take to heart. Religion is a messy subject with alot of contradictions. This book, "The Shack", allows you to see faith as I think we were meant to see it.
Good luck with everything!
he lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud & mire; he set my feet on a rock & gave me a firm place to stand. he put a new song in my mouth. psalm 40:2
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